Candy Cane Blues: The Trials of an Allergy Mom

  Having kids is never easy.  I can think of at least a billion things that haven't gone as planned so far in my parenting journey, like the tantrums or the refusal to use a toilet.  What I didn't plan for was a child with a severe allergy/intolerance to dyes and artificial sweeteners.  This has become especially tough as the season for sweets and candy is upon us.

Having a child with any type of allergy is hard, I know because I not only mother a child with an issue but have many allergy issues with foods as well as Celiac's Disease, so I am no knew hand at special dietary needs.  What I am new to is deciding just what our son can and cannot have; usually discovering the cannots when it's too late.  Like today.  Today he woke up happy and playful (at a ridiculously early hour per usual).  We began to get ready for a big day of special Max time on the 1880s Santa Claus Express--a North Pole themed ride on the 1880s train in Hill City, SD.  Then it happened.  He was throwing up.  Then the guessing game begins.  Is it the stomach flu?  Did he eat something inedible?  Was the milk bad?  Oh, wait.  There it is.  That candy cane he had yesterday? Red Dye 40, one of the biggest culprits of his allergy issues.  Coupled with a chocolate Santa containing an artificial sweetener.  Let me just say, Splenda is not our friend.  The worst part?  I thought they were ok.  I know, I know "you didn't know those would bother him!" but that doesn't make it easier to see a child, MY child, sick when it could have been prevented.  Trial and error is not the way to learn, but sadly, it's been how we have to figure this out for him.

Candy canes are a no go for my sweetener and dye sensitive three year old.  Do you know how hard that is for him to understand?  It's hard.  He thankfully is a very understanding little guy; he knows that "that gunna get my tummy sick, mom!" and that's the end of it.  But it's still hard for a little guy to understand.  It's hard when the other kids get candies he can't have.  It's hard when he is given a candy that I have to take away from him.  It's hard when people make fun of parents like me.

I know it's hard to understand allergies or having a child with allergies if it is not something that is a part of life for all.  I worry about school days and how that bridge can be crossed as smoothly as possible.  I am thankful for the friend(s) I have who willingly watches my kids and who genuinely monitor and care about what Max can and cannot eat.  I am thankful his condition is not worse and that we are learning how to work around it.  That doesn't make those few aside comments hurt any less.

From our experience, I have learned some valuable things.  Firstly, I understand how lacking our food system is at explicit labeling of ingredients after having to painstakingly search for in depth ingredient lists for every candy in his Halloween bag, parade candy, or newly candy canes.  This is something I would love to see improved in our future and it is 100% possible if we voice our concerns.  Secondly, I learned that its just not ok to poke fun at eating problems or tease parents for how they feed their children.  This was not something I had done in the past, but I do admit there were times I would chuckle to myself grocery shopping and seeing all the "Organic" and "All Natural" selections that were obviously so without need for additional labeling.  But I get it now.  It is comforting to know that there are products out there I can buy without having to look up ingredients on my cell phone in the grocery store.  It's nice to have that small bit of normalcy while shopping.

Bottom line: if a parent chooses to go gluten free, dairy free, nut free, preservative free, sweetener free, vegan, all meats, vegetarian, feed the child fast food daily, eat deli meats, buy candy bars, buy only fruit, or any other eating choice it's their choice and only their choice and that mom probably doesn't need your input.  Don't tell her she eats weird.  Don't tell her her children eat weird.  Don't poke fun at things like celebrations and birthday parties that she worked damn hard to make sure her child wasn't sick the next day because of food choices.  We don't know everyone's reasons and we don't need to to just be good and understanding people.  I just laugh it off when people poke fun at how my son eats or think I am "weird" or "mean" or "a hippie" for making sure my child's sweets are real ingredients only.  At the end of the day, I'm the one caring for and cleaning up after a sick child who could have had a lot of avoided discomfort and I love that I can help prevent that from happening.  Besides, eliminating dyes and artificial sweeteners doesn't mean my child eats organic, healthy, wonderful, wholesome meals daily.  The kid had a hotdog for breakfast.  It's all about balance.  

The Best Kid-Friendly Christmas Movies That Won't Drive You Nuts!

As Christmas approaches, I have noticed that literally every.single.kids.show has a Christmas special of some sort.  There's PAW Patrol "The Pups Save Christmas!", LEGO "Frozen: See the Northern Lights", "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Christmas", and countless others.  I'm confident that at least 99% of children's TV shows have a Christmas, or (if we are being politically correct) Holiday Special of some sort.  These newer specials are all good and fine, I like PAW Patrol just as much as the next person over 10 years of age, but let's be honest.  None of these specials hold a card to the classic Christmas movies out there!  I love a good holiday special, but some movies just never get old!  Here are the best kid-friendly Christmas movies that won't drive you completely insane.

1. Elf
I love "Elf."  I mean, this may be one of the best Christmas movies EVER MADE.  This is not just because I am a huge fan of Will Farrell comedies, it is just that funny.  Light enough for kids but with enough subtle adult humor to keep adults entertained through the whole movie.  The movie is rated PG by the MPAA for the subtle adult humor.  I personally appreciate the light-heartedness, humor, positive message, and that the movie does not contain bad language.  Win for kids, win for moms!

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
All versions of "The Grinch" are awesome.  For smaller kids, the 1966 animated version is a big hit!  Vibrant colors, good time length, and an easy-to-understand message for kiddos.  Also knows as "Dr. Suess's How the Grinch Stole Christmas" the film is 26 minutes long (score for toddler moms!) and is rated PG for....Who knows I would call it a G, but I don't work for the MPAA.  For adults and older kids, ages 8+ the Jim Carrey version is also great!  The content is the same, story goes a bit deeper with the same good lesson to be learned, and provides a great platform for discussing what is really important during Christmas time for kids who are old enough to pick out that level on content.  This film is also rated PG and is still a go-to for me every single Christmas!

3. The Santa Claus
Who doesn't like Tim Allen in "The Santa Claus"?!  This has to easily be one of my absolute favorite Christmas films.  I know, I say that a lot.  It is such a cute and funny story!  Kids loving seeing how the modern Santa came to be, and Tim Allen provides clean, fun humor for parents as well.  Also, I would say the sequels are honestly pretty good too.  That is not something I say about every movie with a sequel--in fact, I often think the sequels are terrible.  So, good job to the writers here!  Great story lines on all three movies.  This movie, and all sequels, are rated PG by the MPAA.

4. Anything Frosty or Rudolph Clay-mation 
There are so many of these to pick just one!  The ratings rage from G to PG depending on the films, but I love them all!  Rudolph rescues the New Year's baby whose parents just let a baby escape, The one with Jack Frost, just all of them.  Watch ALL THE MOVIES in this genre? Line? Series?  I don't know what to refer to it as exactly, but moms: you know what I mean.  Don't deprive your kids of our childhood loves.  Or, in my case, force your child to watch it because it is just that great!



5. It's Christmas, Charlie Brown
It just wouldn't be a holiday in America without a Charlie Brown special.  This just so happens to be my favorite Charlie Brown.  There just isn't anything more wholesome than anything with good ol' Charlie Brown.  The whole film is cute, heartwarming, and filled with great, positive, messages for kids.  There isn't much more to say about it, but any holiday just isn't the same without Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy, PigPen, and the rest of the gang!  Te production is rated G by the MPAA.

These are just my top five favorites, but there are so many more great Christmas movies that the entire family will enjoy including "The Polar Express," "A Christmas Story," "Christmas Vacation," "Christmas with the Cranks," "Prancer," "Annabelle's Wish," "It's a Wonderful Life," and the Disney version of "A Christmas Carol."  The Mediocre Daddy would be forlorn if I did not include his favorite Christmas movie, "Die Hard" in the mix.  the jury is still out on that one.  I say because the setting happens to be on Christmas, does not necessarily make it a shoe-in as a Christmas Movie, he disagrees.  Bottom line, no matter what film you chose, whether you own it or come across it on television, Netflix, or Hulu, or even YouTube it (we ALL know someone has posted low-quality versions filming the TV from a cell phone camera for others to enjoy) the point is to do something special with your family this season, and curling up with a family-friendly Christmas movie is just the ticket on these cold wintery days!  

Seven Things to Never Get Mom for Christmas

As Christmas time approaches, I know the husbands and children are racking their brains of ideas for what to get mom for Christmas this year.  I can only speak for myself of course, but I know I'm hard to buy for.  I NEVER know what to tell my husband I want, but I know what I, and other moms, don't want for Christmas.  Trust me.  I surveyed people on this one.  As you shop for your wife or mother this season remember this list of the things no mother wants for Christmas.

1. Tupperware 
Just because she says her Tupperware is mismatched is not your cue to purchase this as a gift.  Love is not expressed through food storage units.  Trust me when I say we can purchase our own food storage products, and in reality we probably want to.  I don't care if it is fancy, glass Pyrex or the leak-proof Rubbermaid (ok, both of those are awesome, trust me) we don't want to open this on Christmas day.  Our Tupperware can go another day without the proper lid.

2. Vacuums
Nothing sucks as much as a vacuum for Christmas--see what I did there?  But seriously.  If the gift says "I'm here for you to clean the house, mom!"  We don't want it.  Unless it's a Dyson.  Everyone loves a Dyson.  But, in all seriousness a vacuum is another thing I just need to pick out myself.  Sure, a new vacuum is relatively exciting, but half the excitement is choosing the thing.  Is if good for pet hair?  How easy can I clean it? Can it suck up a goldfish cracker whole?  Is it too loud?  How long is the cord?  These are all things I must ask myself while shopping for my vacuum soul-mate that my husband may not think of in the moment.

3. Clothes in the Wrong Size
Clothes are really tough.  If you know your wife or mother's size to a T, then go for it!  I love getting clothes for a special occasion.  What I do not love is when they are completely the wrong size.  Although it is flattering that my family thinks I am a size small, it is not so flattering when I put that item on.  If you aren't sure if you are looking at me or a stuffed sausage, it goes directly to my "never leave the house, even to get the mail" area of my closet.  It's also not going to make her feel great if the clothes are quite a few sizes to large.  If she loves clothes like me, may a suggest a gift card to her favorite store?  That way you are giving her the gift of a shopping experience (and watch the children for goodness sakes) and ensure the clothes will be the right size.  Win-win.

4. Puppies
Puppies are super cute when they belong to someone else.  If her heart is set on a puppy, go for it.  If she has expressed zero interest in a pet, besides saying a certain breed of puppy is "really cute" do not assume she wants it for Christmas.  The gift of a puppy is the gift of more chores, more cleaning, more worry, even less free time than moms already have, and added things to do everyday.  It's almost like adding another child. Almost.  May I suggest a puppy calendar instead?

5. Terrible Perfume 
Perfume is a hard sell.  When I was about eight, I got my mom a perfume set and I was so proud of myself.  The problem was that the perfume smelled horrible.  It was just awful.  If the nasty smell wasn't enough to make this the worst gift I ever gave my mom, the fact I was very allergic to it just added to its terrible nature.  Or, maybe the allergy was a blessing.  Then my mom had a good excuse to never wear that nasty stuff. It had to be formulated by the devil himself.

6. Nothing
Frankly, I don't care what your excuse is, get her something!  No, a card does not count.  The fact is, moms do everything all day long for everyone and they deserve some type of thanks during the holidays.  I mean, getting a tupperware set is better than getting her nothing--not much better, but it is better.  Trust me when I say all mothers say they want nothing for Christmas or that we don't know what we want because in all the things we do in a day, thinking about what we would like to receive for a gift is one of the last things on our minds.  Find a nice surprise!  Talk to her friends.  Chances are they probably know what extras she would like.  If you can't think of anything, jewelry, wine, and chocolate are always safe options. So is a pedicure.

7.  A Positive Pregnancy Test
When this answer came up in my survey, it won the internet.  We all love our babies more than anything, and for those who are trying for a first or for more this would be the absolute best Christmas present in the world.  But, for those like me, I'd take the vacuum, thanks.  I love my babies, but two surprises later I am stretched very thin for someone who did not expect to have children before 30.  But, here I am kinda rockin' it as the most mediocre mommy out there!  If I were to receive a positive pregnancy test, the mediocre daddy would be receiving a vasectomy.

The bottom line is moms are going to appreciate just being thought of and that you put some thought into a present this Christmas.  It doesn't have to be extravagant or costly.  It doesn't even have to be wrapped; although even Amazon wrapping looks much better under the tree than a Walmart sack does.  Just show mom you love her this season!  Chin up though, if she doesn't like it you always have Valentine's Day to redeem yourself.

Five Easy Steps to Traveling with Small Ones

If there is one thing I would consider myself seasoned at as a mother, it's traveling.  As a military family, I have made international trips with my son just the two of us, we have moved internationally with him and while I was pregnant with our daughter (we just didn't know it yet), have been on many 10+ hour car trips in Europe and in the States, and have packed, and packed, and packed again for little people ages five months to three years.  So, as we were preparing to go to Wyoming to visit family for the holidays, I thought I had it in the bag when it comes to traveling with kids.  I mean, I did a plane ride from Germany to the US with a 5 mo. old baby and back again with a 9 mo. old baby, what can't I handle (in the traveling realm).  I know what you're thinking; "how does she do it?!" Well, here are my five easy steps for traveling with small people under the age of four.

1. Pack Enough Diapers to Last Through a Nuclear Holocaust.
Then pack 1 more bag just in case.  Because it never fails.  It seems like my kids mess/wet their pants exponentially more when traveling in the car than any other time.  I guess it's good to know they are staying hydrated, but seriously!  I rolled into the driveway of my parents house with 1 fresh diaper to spare, praying my daughter wasn't considering making a #2 for a couple hours.  She obliged, thank God.

2. Pack Ample Snacks 
This way, your toddler can decide he hates everything in the snack bag so he can frequent convenience stores along the route to buy more foods he is going to hate upon opening the packages. Apparently gummy bears and granola bars and goldfish crackers obtain an unbearable taste when riding in the car.  So do mini doughnuts, fruit snacks, and cheese sticks.  All of these items will become inedible once the car starts and the only thing that is fit for human consumption are suckers.  Thanks to grandpa, suckers happened.

3. Choose your Restaurants Wisely! 
Kids need some time out of the car on long trips regardless of their age.  However, this doesn't mean that I want to spend 19 hours in a McDonald's Play Place.  Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thankful for the McDonald's Play Places, especially those with wifi, as a great indoor alternative to the park or if I must get some work done in a safe environment like our local McDonald's.  When driving, this is the worst possible option.  We avoid anything with a play place like the plague.  However, there are still some awesome options for kids to eat!  Places with quick service and a kids menu are always a hit.  Really, any place that serves fries and chocolate milk in a timely manner and has a happy hour (when I have a co-pilot) is good by me.  I highly recommend Applebee's and Waffle House for kids dining options on the road.

4. A Fun Activity Bag
Have your child pack the special activity bag with toys, books, etc to do in the car so he can beg to play a game on the Kindle Fire or your cell phone the whole time.  I let him play on the Kindle to keep both of our sanity, and asking him to just "check out the scenary" for 12 hours in one day is a lot to ask of a three year old.  But, we still choose to limit the time he uses these electronics so he doesn't turn into a little demon tablet addict.  So, I give the device about 10%  and then when it "runned out of batteries" that's the time when we stop and mom plugs it in to charge up to another 10%.  It's been an easy and usually fit-free method in my experience thus far.  Oh, that bag of cars, books, tractors, and other toys?  It's still zipped shut in his temporary bedroom as we visit family.  This bag is a perfect way to take up the last 4 inches of trunk space in the vehicle to make sure you are really getting your space worth out of that car!

5. Download Expedia and Hotels.com
Do this so that next time you can say screw it to the road trip and just fly there.  However, on the road these apps come in handy to book a hotel along the route!  The last thing I want to do when the little people are just done being in the car is drive around looking for a hotel with vacancy.  Booking on these sites is quick and easy and can be done in route (not while driving, of course!).  Anything that saves me some time, saves my kids some tears, and makes our hotel stay experience less like we are going to get mugged and more like we are super fancy patrons is something I will do!  But seriously.  Next time, just fly.

Road tripping is one of those things we all want to do in our college and younger years.  If you do it then, awesome!  Let me just say if you wait to do your road tripping until you have children be prepared for things like poop, spilled candy, begging to stop at truck stops, asking "are we there yet?", complaining about the music (although, I can't blame him, my co-pilot's choice of station, Willy's Roadhouse, isn't exactly the most hip station on Sirius), and stopping much more frequently than without children will happen with small ones along.  I am lucky in that my little people are actually very good travelers.  Part of the perks of a military family is that you do travel often whether it is to move or visit family far away, and everything is far away from Wyoming, so they have started their road tripping at a young age.  My best advice?  Take it in stride and don't sweat the small stuff!  Do what makes the trip easiest on you, even if it means your toddler eats blow pops for lunch.  

Real Life as a Veteran's Wife

Tomorrow, Friday November 11, 2016 is Veteran's Day.  Before I was married, I looked forward to all of the Veteran's Day sales to build my winter wardrobe!  It was a day for an assembly where I was thankful for my grandpa's service to our country. I always thought my grandpa's service in WWII would be the extent of my military experience.

Life is different now.

In 2012, I met the funniest, sweetest, hardest working, most amazing man in the world.  We met at his family branding as we were invited since my dad had just employed his uncle.  So, we went to ride and brand calves and that would be that.  I never thought that my life would change forever from that day forward, but it did in the best of ways.  After we began talking, I learned that that guy who had caught my eye during the branding was a staff sergeant in in the United States army.  We got married in December of 2012 and we have been on this wonderful ride every since!

But sometimes there is darkness.  People who don't know often glorify the veteran's wife.  People think my life is similar to the hit TV show "Army Wives."  It isn't.  I mean base housing is definitely not mansions, guys.  It is not glamorous.  The truth is, it can be very hard.  The scars left on the hearts of combat veterans cut deep.

My husband is a combat engineer.  He has experienced loss in ways I cannot even begin to fathom.  Sometimes I am sad and frustrated I was not there during the times of deployment.  He has fought for our beautiful country in the Middle East multiple times and he has come home every time.  He has overcome so many things that I can't even imagine or begin to imagine.  Sometimes it's hard that I wasn't there.  Sometimes I wish I had been there for him. Sometimes I wish our paths had crossed sooner.  Then, sometimes I don't.

There are demons for those who experience war.  I have never experienced anything even remotely close to the things my husband has, and for that, it is undisputed that he is the strongest person I know.  I was not there then.   I was not there when he left or when he came home.  Ok, so I was in middle and high school, but time like is irrelevant.  The fact is, I can't change that.  But, I am here now.  I am here for the bad dreams and the bad days.  I have learned what days are going to be harder than others.  I know the dates.  I don't know the stories and I don't need to.  What I need to be is here and supportive and I pray everyday that I am enough of a rock and support system for him.

Have you ever looked up the rates of suicide in veterans?  It's mind blowing.  In the military world, it's a dark shadow that's all around us.  Not that my husband is suicidal, but when it is all around you, it can be a real worry on those down days.  The days that the nightmares are real, the days that the memories come flooding in.  The days that I just want to hold him close, but I know he needs his space.  Those are the days that are hard because I wasn't there.  I don't know the stories.  I don't know what happened. I don't know the friends and brothers who stood beside him.  I know snippets.  I know what he feels comfortable sharing and that is all I want to know.

There's a lot of wives out there like me.  Whether your husband is still active duty or a veteran when you met, you know how it feels.  You know what it;s like to come after the darkness.  You about the dreams and the sadness.  The loss and the emotions we see our husbands experience periodically.  I know while the self I was before I was married would be shopping the sales tomorrow, the self I am now will be thanking God tomorrow that this soldier is mine.  That he has always come home and for every sacrifice he has made for his country.  I know someone will say a thank you to me for the sacrifices I have made, but the truth is I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve nor want a thank you.  I don't want praise for falling in love.   I don't want praise for marrying a man in the military.  I don't want praise for the sacrifices I have made because compared to his they are so minuscule.  I don't want thanks for loving the person I was put on this earth to love.  Thank him.  Thank every person you know who has served or is serving in the armed forces.  Show compassion to the wives and mothers and husbands and fathers who will never be able to hug their loved one again.  But please, don't thank me.  I am not worthy of being equated the same honor that my husband is so very, very worth of. Thank the soldiers we can do things like vote, like speak our minds, like own firearms, like own and operate our own businesses no matter what it may be, like live in this beautiful and free country.  

Being the wife of a veteran who has seen many wars is not easy, but it is also not thankless.  I see the thanks in him every single day.  I see the thanks in the love he has for the children I was blessed to give him.  I see the thanks in his content for home cooked meals and choice of television show.  I see his thanks in clean and folded laundry.  I see his thanks in the unconditional love he gives me.  Thank a veteran on Veteran's Day.  Shake their hand, hug them!  Give them the thanks they are due.  Let them know what they have provided for our country, for us, is not gone by without notice.  They all deserve it.    

Jimmy Kimmel ain't got Nothin' on Me!

Lately, I have seen lots of posts of people telling their kids they ate all of their Halloween candy as instructed by Jimmy Kimmel.  This is apparently something that has happened for a year or two, but it's my son's first Halloween where he actually went around and trick-or-treated.  I did the honors of staying home with the baby and handing out candy to our handful of trick-or-treaters that rang our doorbell.  But, telling my son I ate all of his candy would mean relatively nothing to him.  First of all, he wouldn't believe me.  Secondly, even if he did, he would probably just move on with life because he really doesn't like it that much.

Except Suckers.

Of ALL the candy in the world, he has to be in love with the stickiest, grossest, drooliest, biggest choking hazard candy known to man.  I find countless sucker sticks all over our house.  Somewhere this kid has a stash; he just has to to have this many sucker sticks.  The stickiness makes him perpetually dirty and sticky.  He is always drooling sticky, sucker drool.  But that's not the worst.  The worst is when I find a red sucker stuck to my nearly white carpet, that's the worst.  So, what did I do when there were millions of suckers from the various Halloween parties, birthdays, and trunk or treats before the big night? 

I filled our candy bowl with candies from other parties.  That's right, the second he stepped out the door with his dad to hid the streets I filled up our candy bowl with every last piece of candy in this house.  Mostly suckers.  I used my son's Halloween candy as our communal Halloween candy.  Know what?  I am not ashamed.  This did two big things for us; 1) we didn't buy a single bag of candy so we saved money and 2) less candy for the toddler.  My son is not a big fan of candy anyway.  Many kinds he is unable to eat and he doesn't like chocolate unless it's ice cream or a small amount of frosting on a donut (but ONLY with sprinkles). Besides, it's not like he wasn't headed out to get even more candy anyway.  

The best part is he didn't even notice.  He didn't even care.  He had his dum-dum mystery sucker and hit the hay.  I took my candy tax out of the new stuff and his dad ate anything with peanuts in it and that was that.  Why did I recycle my son's Halloween candy?!  What kind of mother just takes the candy from their child and gives it to other kids?!  This kind, that's who.  I recycled the candy because he didn't need that much.  I recycled it for the kids who came to our door instead of throwing it in the trash can.  I recycled it because I like to save money.  As long as it was not expired or looked questionable it went right into my red bowl.  

So, Sorry, Jimmy.  Sorry my kid doesn't care about your challenge and sorry that "candy recycle mom" is kind of cooler than your "ha ha I ate it all! Just kidding!"  I enjoy seeing the kids faces light up getting some candy at my door, and, on the off chance my son would have cared, I would have showed up on your doorstep for you to end the tantrum that was occurring.  Don't worry, I am not a creeper I have no idea where you live, Jimmy.  Yea, I still love your show.  No, I won't tell my kiddos I ate their candy--they won't ever believe me anyway because I am a terrible liar.  Yea, I'm the candy recycle mom. And I really, really, rock at it!  

The Top 5 Stresses of Planning your Child's Party

Birthday parties.  On the 27th of this month, my son turned three which required a birthday party.  Sure, he's had two parties previously but a first birthday party is extremely easy, and for his second we were visiting family during an international move from Germany to our current home in Missouri, so a family party was had.  This was my first hoorah with a multi-toddler birthday party.  We have an amazing group of friends here in Missouri, and being this far from family they really are a second family here!  We have had lots of playdates with other kids, even in our house, but the birthday party brought a whole new level of stress that us newbie birthday party moms didn't understand until planning our first go at a large scale birthday party.  Looking back now that the whirl wind of kids 1-4 is over in my house, here are the top five stresses I faced while planning the party:

1.  Games
Birthday parties are supposed to have a game right?  This is supposed to be a no brainer, right?  Wrong.  When your party contains little boys ages 1-4 there are so many considerations with games.  Can it poke an eye out?  Is it a choking hazard?  Will there be punching involved while waiting turns?  Can they focus? Let me just clear up a LOT.  As far as games in this age group go, save your money.  I had planned a pumpkin painting game where I fantasized about the toddlers sitting and creatively finger painting their little mini pumpkins they got to pick out themselves in our backyard "pumpkin patch."  In reality, the kids loved picking a pumpkin (or seven), a few enjoyed the painting for a short amount of time, but running around like drunken crazies was the biggest hit of all.  As well as the random stray cat that decided to crash the party.  At that point, "chase the kitty" was a better entertainment option than sitting to paint a pumpkin.  Live and learn.  The cat is invited back next year.

2. Balloons
Little kids really effin love balloons.  I had planned to get all sorts of cute little balloons so everyone could have one, and get a nice balloon arrangement for my birthday boy to set in the middle of the table.  Know what really happened?  I forgot.  I forgot about balloons until I was showering with just over an hour until party time.  Thank God my parents were here because, barely dressed (I forgot underwear in my haste), wet hair, and all I made a mad dash for Dollar Tree at 45 minutes to party time.  I grabbed three random balloons from the preinflated section, without even looking to see what exact balloons I got other than ensuring they said something about a birthday.  Only to have them home for two minutes before one was inevitably popped and my son exclaimed sadly "my party is ruined!"

3. Cake
Cake seems like it should be a relative no brainer.  You find a baker, go to a local bakery at a grocer, or DIY a nice cake for the theme that you or you child has chosen.  This is not the case when the birthday boy has sweetener sensitivities.  Our son is most likely allergic to any item containing an unnatural sweetener in any form.  We found this out the hard way.  So, I spend time researching, reading labels, knowing what was and was not ok for him and his little tummy.  Because puking all morning the day after your birthday is reserved for the day after the big 21, and he only turned three.  Fondant? Not an option.  Anything containing even trace amounts of Splenda?  Not an option.   It's actually really eye opening to look into all of this and it becomes crucial for my little guy.

4. Do we Feed Them?
Planning a meal for toddlers is hard.  It's hard without the above mentioned eating considerations my son has, but when you also want to ensure toddlers eat, its even harder.  So we had the staples; gluten free macaroni and cheese with a dairy free cheese sauce, lil' smokies sausages, and corn.  I know what you are thinking right now. She's "that mom" that wants everything to be a popular fad way of eating right now.  That is not the case.  The gluten free noodles are because I am part of the global 7% with Celiacs disease and I have 0 control when it comes to delicious macaroni and cheese!  The dairy free cheese was because Max has a friend who is lactose intolerant and I wanted to ensure that this little boy was included in the meal like all of his friends.  The best part is that no one knew the difference!  Sure, I chose a gluten free, low sugar, no artificial dyes/preservatives (I even checked the dang smokies) meal to all of the kids and guess what?  They all loved it!  Minus my child who decided at the last minute that he "didn't like" anything offered to him.

5. Dads?
I will just put this out there as it is.  99% of the time, dads don't really care if they are a part of the party.  My husband was thanking the birthday gods that he didn't have to be amongst 10+ running, screaming, wild toddlers for a few hours.  This never changes.  My parents we able to come celebrate, and during the majority of the party, grandpa took a "nap" with the baby.  Which worked out great because my daughter was cool with being out of the chaos with grandpa for most of the time.  At first  I was sad that my husband would miss out, but once the party was going I knew it was best that he did!  He loves our children so unconditionally, but he may not have loved the kids who were trying to shove a movie into his beloved PS4 quite as much.  Don't worry, the PS4 is safe, and for those wondering, its pretty toddler proof.

Don't get me wrong.  Parties for toddlers are awesome!  In all the chaos and confusion and stress there was the beautiful light that my son got exactly what he wanted for his birthday; his friends.  TO the same token, I got what I needed for his birthday; my friends.  It was wonderful that my parents could be there as well.  Was it stressful?  Without a doubt.  Was it worth it? Without a doubt.  Turning three was an emotional time for me!  It means that I have been a mother now for over three years, considering I was pregnant for nine months prior to having my wonderful boy.  I have held him everyday for three years.  It's been three years since I saw that little face for the first time.  My boy is, without question, no longer a baby and I love him with every part of me.  The party was for him as much as it was for me.  We both needed to celebrate that little boy.  That little life who changed mine forever.  He;s the best, guys.  He is so unique even by toddler standards and I love him unconditionally, even when he does say the "F" word almost hourly.

"Oh! When are you due?!" uhmmm...NEVER.

It happened.  Someone asked me when I am due.  This has never happened to me before.  But, it happened.  I can join the ranks of all the moms who have had to say "nope, just fat thanks!"  But honestly, surprisingly really, it didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

Let me back track a second and set the scene.  So we took our son to the pumpkin patch on Saturday and while having fun, we happened to run into a woman my husband used to work with at a previous duty station.  This was back when we were in our long-distance relationship, so she had not met me before and knew my husband as that grumpy bachelor who just really liked his beer (the man I fell madly in love with).  She was visiting with us, and said "I can't imagine you with three children!" while making the "bump" gesture. It was very nice and cute and friendly, but there is one problem; I'm not pregnant.

Since the birth of my son I have struggled with weight issues.  I gained WAY too much during my first pregnancy thanks to all of the delicious pastries that Germany has to offer.  So, this is a scenario I have been mortified about since his birth nearly three years ago.  I figured that if this ever happened I would cry.  I would have some snarky, bitchy comeback.  I would just walk away in shame.  None of that happened.  It's probably due to maturity, but when you are in the situation you realize some things.  The biggest thing is that people really want to be happy for pregnant women, and they really aren't trying to hurt feelings.

I laughed.  My husband just said "no... do you think my wife is just fat?"  She was so mortified.  I actually felt worse for her than me.  After she apologized and I assured her it was no biggie, I thought about the encounter.  Do I look pregnant?  Am I "fat?"  It took me aback for sure, but you know what it didn't do? It didn't hurt my feelings.  It surprisingly didn't hurt my feelings!  You know why?  Because she didn't know.

She didn't know that I have struggled with no longer being a size 5.  She didn't know my baby is only barely 4 months old.  She didn't know I had issues gaining a healthy amount with my daughter because I was afraid to gain too much.  She is newly pregnant herself, so was not aware that some moms just carry their weight in an awkward place (this would be me!).   She didn't know that I have worked my butt off to loose 22 lbs since the birth of my daughter in June.  Most importantly she wasn't out to hurt me.  Truth is, she probably really wanted another woman who she felt that she could connect with on pregnancy.

I just remind myself of the goals I have and the ones I have met. Guess what?  Instead of letting it get to me, I just am proud.  I'm proud of the mom body I have because it was able to grow and house two healthy, beautiful babies.  It means I was able to carry children, which is something many women are not able to do.  It will keep my on track with my body goals.  Will I be a size 5 again? Realistically no.  Will I get rid of the baby pooch? Realistically, in time.  I mean, my daughter is 4 months old!  I am shocked with the results I have seen so far (Zumba is no joke, guys).

Just don't let the "when are you dues" or "how far alongs" or "you look great pregnant!s" get to you.  I like to believe that 99% of the population really wants to compliment the pregnant form and help women feel confident.  Don't let it stop your goals, don't let it get to you, don't let it take away from every change your body has endured while making, having, and after children.  Women's bodies do some pretty amazing (and pretty freakin gross) stuff!  Be thankful to be a mom and to have beautiful children to show for it.  If you have a little extra and you are trying to get rid of it like me, remind yourself you will get there! Just keep working.  It's just one person.  It's just one person's view.  Remember, we all look chubby when we accidentally have our phone on selfie mode.

Five Things I Would Rather do than Wait with my Kids

Every time I have to go somewhere where I know there will be a lengthy wait, I absolutely dread having to take my children.  The pharmacy, the DMV, the clinic...even a moderately slow restaurant can become a nightmare quickly with a toddler and an infant.  There are very few things I would take waiting anywhere non-child oriented over on any given day.  I get it, he is three and she is four months; I don't expect them to have an adult level attention span.  But is it too much to ask that my son not like the window to the barber shop as we are waiting in the pharmacy waiting area?  Or that the baby refrain from having a poop-splosion the minute our number is called at the DMV?  So, on days like today when my son is going wild and my daughter is screaming 99.9% of our wait time to pick up a prescription they only had enough to fill half way (after we waited for nearly three hours, welcome to the army) I can think of at least five things that sound so much more appealing than sitting "quietly" (ha ha ha) in a waiting area with them:

1.  Dusting 
I really, really, really despise dusting.  But I would dust the entirety of all the collections at the Smithsonian Museum any day over a waiting room with my kids.

2. Milk a Fish
Fish don't produce milk, so you can about imagine what substance is being collected here.  Fun fact: in college I actually got to do this at a fish hatchery during one of my range management wildlife management classes.  It's a lot more satisfying than a waiting room with toddlers that's for sure.

3. Pregnancy Test Cattle
Can you tell I am a former farm/ranch animal science/agricultural business major?  Another thing I have done that is not that pleasant, but there are days it at very least rivals a waiting room with children.  It's a hands on job; let's just say EPT doesn't make a 3 minute test for cattle.

4. Fighting a Rabid Skunk 
Admittedly, trying to change my daughter today in the bathroom near our waiting room felt this way.  She is teething and upset (can't blame her) and needed a messy diaper removed ASAP.  She also hates the baby wipe on her lady area (again, can't blame her) so between the screams of teething and the screams of baby wipe on the privates, I am pretty surprised no one called Child Protective Services.

5. Comfort a Crying Drunk 
I am not good at this.  I have no idea what to do when a drunk person starts crying because I usually can't make any sense about what they are crying about.  My answer has usually been to just leave that scene!  However, given the choice between comforting a crying drunk and keeping my son quiet at the DMV, I would take 500 hysterically crying drunks any day.

I love my children with all of my heart, but I just wish there was a better way to do things like the pharmacy or the DMV than waiting for hours on end.  Being around my kids makes my day everyday, but it seems like we always have to do something involving a huge wait time on their worst days.  Kindergarten.  Kindergarten will be my time when I can do these things without fighting tears and ignoring condescending stares from the childless people in the room.  Let me just say, thank God for the grandmas and grandpas.  Because they love children in a special way that only grandparents can, no matter if the child is their grandchild or not.  So, man who read the "Engineer" Magazine with my son today as I comforted my fussy baby, thank you for making the experience a little more bearable.

"You Bought a VAN?!" and Other Things my College Self Would Laugh at Now.

There was a time when I was cool.  There was a time when I could stay up until the wee hours of the morning with my friends having fun.  There was a time when I would have looked at me now and thought  I was so uncool now.  I made so many statements about the things I would never do in my life when I was too young to know anything different from the life I was living.  We all say weird stuff in college.  We all are discovering ourselves and in the process assume we will be these fun, untouchable, awesome people indefinitely.  Then life happens.  Looking back, there are at least five things college Courtney would totally laugh at mom Courtney for!

1. "You Bought a Mini Van?!"
My college roommate and I quite literally vowed we would never, ever, under any circumstance drive (much less actually purchase) a van of any type.  Guess what?  A husband and two kids later, we are the proud owners of a Dodge Grand Caravan.  Know what? I absolutely LOVE my van!  The space is amazing.  It has Sirius radio so I can listen to the cool, hip music in my mom van.  The doors slide which means I don't run the risk of scratching the car of the jerk who parked entirely too close to a car with carseats on both sides.  I have so much space for Sam's Club and Target purchases.  I have bucket seats.  Is it as sporty and cool as the Dodge Dakota or Chevy Avalanche I drove in college?  Probably not at all.  Is it roomier and more practical? Absolutely.  Plus, it has stow and go.  I'm in heaven.  Sorry, Rachel, I broke our oathe!  But this van is love.

2. "You Wear Leggings?!"
Yes, college self.  I wear leggings.  Know what else? I. LOVE. THEM.  Leggings, paired with the proper shirt, are totally pants.  I love my LuLaRoe, ok.  I love the comfort, ease, and support.  I love the look.  Sure I still love a good pair of jeans, but jeans just don't offer the mobility.  You know what doesn't happen in a good pair of leggings?  Crack.  I have yet to have my butt crack hang out while feeding a baby or bending over while running after a crazy toddler.  That is so awesome.  To the leggings designers out there, you guys rock.  Thank you for saving me from the public humiliation that is my husband (loudly) pointing out that he can see my butt crack in public.

3. "You Own GRANNY PANTIES?!?!"
Yes ok.  Yes.  All moms own Hanes underwear.  Because the only thing less cute than a butt crack while sitting in public to feed a baby is a thong hanging out above that butt crack.  It's not the early 90s.  That's not a thing, and that should never have been a thing, but there was a time when it was "stylish."  I used to have cute underwear.  I used to actually care what they looked like.  Now, I just want coverage.  I want something to hold my mom belly in because anything I can buy to hid the excess chub from baby fat is worth it to me.  This is also how I know my husband is a virtual saint.  Because Haines briefs are probably the farthest thing from sexy lingerie there is on this Earth, but he still loves me.  He rocks for real, or maybe he just pretends I still wear cute undergarments.  Either way, the mom undies aren't going anywhere.

4. "You Left the House without Makeup?!"
Yes, I sure did.  You know what else, College Courtney?  Mom Courtney went to Walmart without makeup on, she does it regularly, and she doesn't care!  Sure, I still absolutely love makeup.  I love playing with and putting on my makeup, but I just don't always have the time or the want to do it.  There's actually something really positive in being comfortable enough in my own skin to leave the house with nothing on, because there was a time that I would have mentally not been able to do so.  I mean, when we first got married, I would put on makeup before my husband got home, even if I was wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt all day!  I still love makeup and I still have lots of it!  But it is no longer needed in order for me to go grab chocolate milk or pay our rent bill.

5. "You Dance Like a Loser."
I do. I don't care.  It's really, really awesome.  Yes, my dance moves are not as "cool" as they once were.  They are a little more nerd, a lot less cute, and a lot less butt movement.  Mostly because I have a lot more areas I would rather did NOT shake at this point that I stick to classics like the lawn mower and shopping cart every chance I get.  I am, however, getting to be pretty awesome at Zumba if I don't say so myself.  Well, awesome compared to when I started!  On the occasion that I do go out dancing with my friends (this happens when we have "Zumba at the Club Night" and we go zumba before it opens and then dance in our workout gear after, its awesome) I just don't care what I look like anymore.  Know what?  It's really freakin' awesome to not give two you-know-whats what I look like while dancing.  I'm happily married so the idea that "what if a cute guy sees me?! I need to look cute!" is out the window.  I have a super cute guy locked in at home!  No need to impress anyone.  It;s the best feeling ever.  I wish I could go back and tell myself to stop caring so much what other people will think and just be me and be fun and dance like a crazy fool because its awesome and fun.


I used to be cool.  Now I drive a van and do the sprinkler in the dance club.  I don't care.  There is something so empowering in being a mom because you don't take those moments of "cool" for granted.  My days of heels and tight dresses while dancing with my friends are over.  But the days of baby cuddles, sweet little "I love you's," having the absolute best man (and cutest ever) as a husband, and seeking are over.  The days of seeking for the right group, the right man, the right song, the right job are all over.  The wild card is over.  I would lie if I said there were days I didn't think about those days and miss them, but I honestly couldn't do it anymore!  I mean, staying up until 11:30 to finish a cliff-hanger episode of my favorite TV series on Netflix, or being excited for our "Debate Night" Party are much different things than I would have been excited for on the weekends five years ago.  But this is my life, and dang it College Courtney you were so wrong.  You were so young and wild and fun.  But that chapter is over, and this one is so, so, so special to me.  I found the best person to share it with, and the two best little people to have with me everyday.  And, when I feel like getting wild and crazy, my son and I play just dance. Watching him dance is a lot like watching a drunk college guy dance.  He;s got some mad moves, man.  

Not "If," but "When"

If there is one thing I have learned as a toddler mom, it's to never assume your child is never going to do something.  All toddlers have similar mindsets; it goes a little something like "do whatever I want whenever I want, especially if it can make mom loose her cool."  I'm guilty of the "ifs."  When our son was younger, I would say things like "I don't know what I would do if he drew on the wall, played with his own feces, hits me on purpose" and probably about a million other things.  What I have learned is that its not been, in my experience, a matter of "if" so much as a matter of "when" because all of those previously mentioned "ifs" have manifested into solid "whens."

If it can be done, kids will find a way.  There is something to be admired about their persistent nature and inquisitive minds.  However, there are days I wish my child had been born with the "playing in my own poop/drawing on the wall with a Sharpie are socially unacceptable practices" instinct.  The thing is, all moms live in the bliss that those outrageous stories that other moms talk about will never happen in their households.  Then they do.  Or, in the case of the poop incident, at your mother's house (sorry, mom).  So, if your baby has yet to hit the toddler years just know--its going to happen.  Even if you hide the markers it will happen.  I have yet to discover where my child actually located a RED Sharpie marker, but he sure did!  By the way, hairspray gets that off of white walls and white carpeting wonderfully.

I wish I could offer some cool insider advice on how to prepare for the "whens" but there just isn't a book titled "What to Do When your Child is a Poop Picasso" or "How to Not Completely Loose your Shit when your Child Colors a Wall" yet.  The cuteness of the What to Expect series did not adequately prepare me for what was to come.  I was not prepared for those "whens" and I am still not prepared.  But now I know.  I know that I need to just say "when."  Our "whens" are going to change as our son ages, and there is a whole new set coming with our daughter.  Some of the teen girl "whens" I am not even going to acknowledge and pretend that my daughter will always be a sweet, drooly, smiley, baby girl.  If there were no "whens" there would be no discovery, no learning, no boundaries, no idea of socially acceptable behavior.  They will happen.  It's basically a law of science or math or physics or something.

There will never be a way to prepare for these "whens" to hit.  Just make sure you have some people who have "been there, done that" in your corner, good friends to tell your daily AHHHHHH moments to, a supportive significant other, spouse, parent, sibling, best friend, etc. to sometimes cry on, and know that each "when" is, inevitably, experienced by all moms.  From Poop Picaso to Marker Michel Angelo, it happens. All those "ifs" become "whens" and we live to tell the tale another day!

Beans, Booze, and Babes

 
It's coffee and wine.  Short and sweet and satisfying.  I apologize to those who opened this article looking for information on a really fun time (sometimes I have clever titles, worked though, didn't it?!).

But why now?  Why as a mother do I sooo love my overpriced, way too many shots of espresso, and typically (by the time I drink it) luke-warm lattes?  Why do I now have a love and deeper interest in wine?  I mean, I actually go and taste it and buy wine for the taste, season, meal choices, etc. instead of based solely on its price and alcohol content.  I was of age to legally consume alcohol before I became a mother and I worked at a coffee shop for about six years prior to (and while pregnant with) our son.  So why now?  Why is it that moms like me love these two forms of liquid gold so much?

I know.  It MUST be because I need some type of supplement, energy booster, craving control pill, or a billion other things I have been offered as an alternative to my coffee and wine intake daily.  Here's the kicker:  I love them and we are never, ever, ever breaking up.  I can probably find lists of all the wonderful health benefits of consuming a daily glass of wine and cup of coffee, but, for me there is an emotional benefit.  Coffee and wine are often times the only selfish things that  I do to 100% indulge in something for myself on the regular.  Now, I'm not saying that I drink daily lattes or consume copious amounts of wine, because everything is best enjoyed in moderation.  I am a firm believer that people need to drink responsibly and there is a level of financial responsibility attached as well.

In reality coffee and wine are the only two things I can tell my toddler "no honey, it's not safe for you to drink this" and actually feel like, for once, I am not lying to him about food safety.  Has he had a few sips of the bottom of a latte? Multiple times.  Has he had a sip of wine?  I'm not going to say no, because he did give himself a boxed wine shower once.  But for the most part, those are two things that are completely "Mommy-Only" in our household, right alongside tampons and trashy reality TV shows.

  So, coffee and wine is more than just a beverage for me.  Aside from the fact that I just really, really (insert F bomb here) love coffee and wine, when you spend every waking minute of the day tending to the needs of other people; changing, feeding, playing with, holding, drying tears, carrying, directing, and fetching a variety of items for every day, it is not only nice, but essential to have something for you.  For me, it's a latte or a glass of wine.  For others it may be time to read a favorite book, meditate, take a warm bubble bath, watch a favorite TV show, or do a favorite hobby.  It doesn't have to be coffee or wine, although I just don't fully understand those who don't like either of these God given gifts to moms.  The point is that it is so important to do something everyday for you.  To keep your sanity.  To feel valued.  To self indulge.  To always be thankful for the little things in life or the few moments of quiet.  Remember, mama has to be happy and healthy in order to care for and raise happy and healthy babies!  Take time for you, even if its just the five minutes of drinking mediocre coffee in the car on the way to the park while listening to yo jam on the radio.

Coffee before nap, wine after nap that's my mama mantra.

Be a Mom. Be a Boss. Be Whatever the Hell You Want.

Sometimes, being a mother is a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation.  If you stay home with your children, then you must automatically be this crafty, spotless, play-with-the-kids all day, baking, soap opera watching, yoga pant wearing. messy hair wielding lady.  If you return the workforce out of the home after having children sometimes society views you as less nurturing, more ambitious, less involved, super feminist, uber girl power woman.  Well, you know what?  Stereotyping has NEVER been my thing.

Be whatever the hell you want to be and stop caring about what others are going to think.  If you want to stay at home with your children, do it!  For many families this is actually a more economical decision.  For example, for me to merit paying for two children in childcare facilities I would need to make approximately $26,000/yr to off-set long term childcare costs.  It adds up!  I do not advocate lower childcare costs because 1) I am a firm believer in that "you get what you pay for" and 2) I want the people taking care of my little cuties to be fairly compensated for the work they are doing.  Some women would just rather stay home with their children, and that is honestly the only reason they need.  Being a stay at home mom is awesome!  But, there are times I miss the working world and want to reenter business again.  If you want to return to work after having children, whether its after three weeks or three years, do it!  From experience, it's hard to give up your dream career.  The thing is; some mom's need to work.  We don't know everyone's stories.  Some women need that to feel empowered, to stay mentally and emotionally stable, or to provide for their families.  That's ok!  Bottom line do what makes you happiest.

There are so many ways to feel valued as a mother.  No matter if you are a SAHM, a work from home mom, or a work outside of the home mom, sometimes we all feel that motherhood can be a somewhat thankless job. I mean, my child has never once thanked for wiping his butt.  Find what makes you feel valued.  Be a boss.  Whether it's the boss of yourself, the boss of your home, the boss of your own business, or the boss at work just do it.  Do something, ANYTHING to know that you are making a difference.  The only person who can change how we feel, is ultimately ourselves.  Make crafts like a boss.  Play with your children like a boss.  Cook like a boss.  Drink wine like a boss.  Sell Younique, Scentsy, LuLaRoe, Stella&Dot, Norwex, Thirty-One and whatever else like a boss. Go to your job like a boss.  Boss like a boss.  Do what makes you happy like a boss.

Lastly, be whatever the hell you want to be.  I'm not going to sit here and spin stories about how easy its been being a student and a mother because well, that would be completely delusional.  It's been HARD.  It's been sleepless, tear-filled, frustrating, thankless, and stressful every single semester since my son was born; which has been my entire time pursuing my bachelor's degree.  But that doesn't mean I can't be whatever I want to be.  It doesn't mean you can't be whatever you want to be.  Things aren't just going to fall into your lap, unless you'ree Paris Hilton, you have to work for it!  So, work for whatever you want to be.  Work for being a good budgeter.  Work for being a good cook.  Work for being the best game player.  Work for a promotion in your at home direct sales business.  Work to have the best garden.  Work to start your own business (current status over here!).  Work to get the job you want.  Work to get a promotion or a raise.  Work to open that wine.

If I can do it, so can you.  Be an amazing mom.  Be an amazing boss.  Be whatever the hell you want to be. Afterall, we all went through childbirth and/or the newborn and toddler years.  We got this!

Like Mother Like Daughter: 10 Ways I'm Turning into my Mother.

I've always had a good relationship with my mom.  Yes, you can ask her, she would probably agree.  Even during my pre-teen, teen, and single, young adult years we got along well.  Sure, we had our tense times (these often involved 4-H sewing projects), but we also did lots of fun things just the two of us!  However, as much as I have always loved my mom, I never in a million years thought I would actually turn into her when I had children of my own.  As I get older and settle more into motherhood, I hear my mother come out of my mouth and see her in my actions multiple times a day.  There are definitely worse things I could do.  But, here's the ten things that 18 year old Courtney would have joked about....and now present-day Courtney does on the regular:

1. I Own Fiesta Ware. 
...and I LOVE my Fiesta ware!  Ok, so this was a pre-children decision.  When you decide to get married about two months after getting engaged, there isn't exactly a lot of time to do a registry and look into all the different options.  So, I went with what I knew was good; what mom had.  I still love my blue fiesta ware!  I draw the line at a kitchen filled with chicken decor though, you can keep that one all to yourself, mom!  The rooster kitchen suits you well.

2. Days. 
I don't mean "days" as in a 24 hour period; I'm talking about the popular daytime soap, Days of Our Lives on NBC, usually at 1 P.M.  When our son was a baby, I was invested in Days.  I knew the characters, was hooked by the sexually driven, murderous, mysterious plot lines and had all my own theories of what was going to happen to who (some of which  I was totally right about by the way).  You know who else has a Days obsession? That's right, my mom.  She's watched the show since before I was born (as she's made me aware of many times).  Even as a young child, I remember her taking a daily break because she had to see if Stefano was really dead, what was going on with Bo and Hope, and whose baby was going to get stolen next.  I used to tease her about her Days obsession, and now we discuss it.  I have missed a few months now, as two babies just hasn't given me the break to catch up on the dirt that's going on.  But I know one thing, Stefano probably isn't dead yet.

3. HGTV
If the first two didn't give me a clue the apple didn't fall far from the tree, this sure did.  I might as well just apologize right now for making fun of my mom's HGTV viewing during my time at home.  So, mom, I'm sorry, and thank you for not rubbing it in my face that I now am hooked on things like House Hunters and Tiny House Living.  Seriously though.  She knew something I didn't with this one (ok, she knows a LOT I don't).  Who doesn't love Chip and Joanna Gaines?  That's what I thought.

4. Sam's Club is Life
Growing up, whenever I was drug to Sam's Club with my mom, I usually did my best to talk my dad into going around to find the sample food stands with me.  He always obliged.  Now, I LOVE TO GO TO SAM'S CLUB!  Again, mama always knows best.  Looking back, little Courtney really should have appreciated her mom's love of Sam's Club more than I did.  Thankfully, the karma hasn't hit there yet, because my son loves Sam's Club.  I think he thinks its a secret society or something. I may not have appreciated it back then, but I learned from mom that you just can't go wrong at Sam's Club.

5. Grandma Time Rocks 
I cherish grandma time, whether its with my mom or my mother-in-law.  My mom was the same.  She always made sure that we did things for my grandmas and that I spent time with them, especially my grandma that lived in our hometown, as often as possible.  I am so thankful for this because I have some many wonderful memories with my grandmas.  I find myself feeling the same way in terms of the importance of grandparent time.  Plus, it usually means the man I married and I can sneak in a date night when grandmas are around, so that's a bonus!

6. CrockPots 
I love my CrockPot.  There is nothing better when I want to make a home cooked meal but don't have a lot of time or need to get it in while my small people are content.  Any guesses where I got my love for the CrockPot?  I'll give you three tries...  Here's a hint; every time I am going to try a new CrockPot recipe, I usually dial up mom to see if I'm doing it right!

7. I Own a Robe 
My mom has always had a robe she wears in the mornings, and I do now too.  So mine is zebra striped and hers is usually a solid color, but the basic idea is there!  I own a robe because my mom does and it seems like the only acceptable way to start the day is to dawn your robe and get some coffee.  Plus, it prolongs the time until I feel like I must put on a bra, so that's always a win in my book.  A robe does, in fact, qualify as getting dressed in my world.  Wonder who I learned that from?

8. Wine
So, I may actually drink wine more than my mom does, but I knew what kinds to try because mom likes white zinfandel so therefore it HAS to be good.  Once again, she wasn't wrong.  Do you know how awesome it is to be old enough to be able to do a wine tasting with your mom?  It's in the top 10 best things adults can do with their parents, that's how great it is.  Wineries are the ultimate girl day, and I cherish all the girl's days I get with my mom, because as an adult that has had an ocean between us and currently 18 hours, it's nice to do fun things together when we can.  What's more fun than wine?! Nothing is the correct answer.

9. No Cussing (uhhh.... less? less cussing. Definitely less).
I'm not 100% like my mom in this boat.  I still enjoy using a well placed profanity daily.  But, now that I have a child who picks up on those and drops the F bomb during Catholic Mass or calls his dinosaurs "assholes" as they block the road on his car rug, I definitely say them much less than I used to.  Growing up, I remember my mom rarely cussing.  In fact, I can only remember one specific incidence where I heard her use the F word, and it was directed at my 4-H pigs. Mom definitely has me beat in this field, but I find my vocabulary in general becoming more and more Linda-esque.

10. My Child Lays with Us 
Well, time for me to eat crow, and a BIG serving of it.  I needed my mom to lay with me, or sleep in bed with them until I was probably...10 or so.  Maybe longer.  Even when I was at my childhood home and pregnant with our first child waiting to join my husband in Germany, I would go lay with my mom or have her come lay with me to watch TV.  She always told me not to let my kids do that, and I was adamant that I would definitely not allow my kids to sleep in our bed or lay with them in theirs.  Then....my son had severe RSV at 15 months and all of that went straight down the toilet.  He's almost 3 and still comes to lay with us every night, and I love it.  I won't make him stop anytime soon because I love cuddling with him.  When his sister is big enough, I'm sure she will join us and our queen size bed may need an upgrade.  I think my mom didn't mind me coming to snuggle at night either, or snuggling me to sleep.  If she did, she hid it so well.

The truth is, I will never be half the mom my mom was, and is, to me.  She's the best one I know!  But, I've got to learn from the best and as much as I used to think I would never be like my mom, I hear her come out of my mouth, see her in my actions, and hear her in my head everyday.  Because let's be honest.  At least a thousand times a day I ask myself WWMD? What would mama do?

Babies are Super Cute! Because They're Gross.

Most of my posts contain the antics and everyday life of a mom with a toddler.  Because, let's face it.  We all know that he rules the roost, even though we tell ourselves we are in control.  But, I also am the mother of the most beautiful (I'm completely biased), happiest, sweetest little baby girl in the whole world.  She is so sweetly adorable it makes my heart melt, but she is also completely gross.  Let's be real.  Babies have to be cute because 99% of what they do includes bodily fluids and it's just plain nasty.

I am a firm believer that all babies are cute.  Every single tiny, lovable, innocent, sweet bundle of joy across the globe is just as cute as can be.  They are also equally as gross across the board.  If there is anything I have learned in my time as a mom, it's that you get pretty used to what comes out of your child.  Because it happens all.day.long., especially if there is an infant involved.

When we took our Welcome to Parenthood! class, we were given the impression that baby feces (poop) has no smell until the child begins eating foods.  Lies.  This information is so false I think the instructor put it in there for shits and giggles (did you see what I did there?).  Baby poop, is in fact, the second worst smelling thing on the planet.  It rivals a bacterial infection of the gut of cattle known as purple gut, and follows my husband's gas in the line of worst scents imaginable.  How does such a sweet, innocent, small person produce such masses of the worst smelling substance on the planet?!  If the poop isn't enough, it seems that she always must have a bowel movement in a public setting.  And let me be the first to tell you, this girl is GASSY.  So much so that when she passed gas loudly in Walmart, the older woman in front of us in line embarrassingly nudged her husband and told him to "go do that in the bathroom!"  Sorry that my daughter farts like an older man and got you in trouble, sir...

If the poop wasn't enough, I swear she chooses to pee the minute the diaper is off.  It's like she feels a fresh breeze and has to let the flood gates open.  This isn't too bad, because after the pee showers from our son, we have gotten pretty good and the fast diaper change. When this becomes a problem is during a late night, dark diaper change.  That's right.  She has soaked my side of the bed in baby pee more nights than I can count during a dimly lit diaper change.  Since waking my husband is like waking a hibernating bear from a deep slumber, I just go back to bed on my damp, baby fluid soaked sheets and deal with it in the morning.  I am a champ at changing bed sheets these days!

That's about everything babies can do in the diaper that is pretty nasty.  By now, I have gotten used to the fact that, at some point, you may have diaper remains on your hands after a change and that it can get pretty dirty most days.  But, then there's the spit-up.

Don't let the cutesy term fool you; this is puke.  And babies puke all day everyday for a LONG time.  Sometimes we have the burp rag at the ready for the typical after feeding spit-ups, but refluxy babies, which both of mine have been, tend to throw up at any given moment.  Especially if: 1) you are wearing black, 2) you have some place to be, and/or 3) you are at an establishment that serves food.  The third one seems to be when she decides to REALLY give it her all.  It has to be a health code violation.  Do you know what kind of looks they give you when you go to the counter of the coffee shop and ask "can I have some paper towels? My daughter just left half her lunch on the floor."  Don't worry, all.  It's normal.  It's gross.  It's babies.

If you are a mom like me, you can fully relate to all of these disgusting things that our cute babies do. If you're a mom-to-be or are considering babies in your future, I encourage you to attend a college drinking party and take care of all the sick people while completely sober.  Then, know that its on a smaller scale for a cuter person when it's a baby!

We won't even talk about the multitude of gross that happens to get those cute little blessings into this world.

"Back to School" will Come, Eventually

It's September, and like every other year around this time, my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter are flooded with back-to-school photos.  All the stores advertise the specials and savings on school supplies, clothes, electronics and just about everything else that might be remotely related to going to school.  Unfortunately, this does not include diapers, formula, or wine.

Truth is, I have no idea about this whole back to school thing.  We aren't to that season of life yet.  But, there are days I find myself slightly jealous of the mom's who get to send the babes off to school for a few hours everyday.  The thoughts of "how many more years?"  "Can it just be time already?"  "I wonder if Catholic school would take him, even though he doesn't use a toilet yet?" thoughts fleet in and out of my brain.  People would tell me "don't wish the baby/toddler years away, they go so quickly!"  But they don't.  Sure, in 15 years I will send my baby boy to his first day of school for the last time and at that point I will wonder where all the time has gone.  Not today.  Not right now.  Not in the trenches of toddlerhood.  Some days I consider preschool and daycare programs for him, but most of those in our area cost more than my college courses ever did.  If the word "tuition" is used on a preschool information sheet, I just stop reading right there.

Some days I'm jealous.  Some days I'm worn to the bone. Some days I look at the school bus and wish I was waiting to pickup my blue-eyed, blonde, enthusiastic little boy and asking what his day was like. And some days we play in the pool.  I know I am not alone in those thoughts of "please, just go to school already!"  But we have good days so much more than tough ones.  We have days where we can go play in the pool all afternoon without any obligations.  We have days where we can have our picnics at noon on the patio furniture.  We can extend our summer into fall for as long as the weather decides to be blazing hot.  We can watch a movie in the heat of the day.  We can eat ice cream for lunch and have popcorn whenever we like.  Best of all, I can hug him whenever I want to.  Okay let me rephrase that; I can force him to hug me whenever I want a hug from him!  There will be mornings when we rush to get into the car or to the bus stop.  But for right now, the biggest hurry in the morning is when he announces that he "is going to get the kniiiivvvvveeeeesssss!" (don't worry, he cannot access the knives, he just thinks he ought to be a chef).  There will come days when I have to shake a teen boy from bed in the morning, and those days I will still hear that happy little voice in my head adamantly yelling "GET UP, MOM! IT'S MY TV TIME!!"  Because God forbid we EVER miss Mickey Mouse at 6 A.M.  On second thought, maybe that will be my approach for waking him later on in life.

Sometimes I am so ready to be a school mom, a sports mom, a 4-H mom that I loose track of the mom I need to be right now.  The time will come for all of the rest of that.  For now, I can just be the mom who plays in the pool with a giggly little boy.  The mom who let's him have ice cream for lunch, because that's what I want too.  The mom who forces five more minutes in bed before getting up for the day.  The mom who watches Wall-E 23,989,432 times a week.  The mom who wonders who the heck chooses what the Mousekatools will be today.  The mom of a sweet little boy, the world's sweetest big brother, and most enthusiastic, stubborn, eager, loving child I have ever met.  I have to take a step back and remind myself that, even though it certainly does not feel like it right now, especially on our tough days, that this time of innocence, curiosity, unbridled love, and hilarious mispronunciations will end and the next chapter of our life story will begin.


And some days, we play in the pool, while other kids are sitting in class, we are splashing, and spraying the hose, and laughing.

And, for the days that I do wish he was just in school already, there is wine and a blow up pool ($39.95 at Sam's Club, folks).

"You Look so Tired!" and Other Non-Compliment Compliments

Every mom has heard the non-compliment compliments before.  I truly believe that those giving these "compliments" mean well, but the truth is they sometimes point out all the insecurities mothers, especially mothers of multiple children under 5, experience everyday.  Personally, not much gets to me.  I tend to take them all with a grain of salt, but the thoughts going through my mind at the non-compliment compliments don't always match my smile and friendly reply.

1. "You look so tired!" 
Thank you, grocery store patron.  I'm not sure if the uncombed hair or the recycled eye makeup from last night gave it away, but yes, I am tired.  So much so that I left the house with two different shoes on the other day.  And not two that look similar; one gold sequin sparkles and one dark brown shoe.  I have a toddler and a baby who, though usually good kiddos, are busy and don't appreciate naps or a full, uninterrupted nights sleep like I do.  Just wait, you two, the teen years are coming and then I will go yell at you two centimeters from your face "GET UP!!! MY TV TIME!!" But, until then I will probably have many more people realize that my face is just "tired."

2. "You look great, for just having a baby!" 
Is there a "just had a baby" category, or can I just look great otherwise?  Admittedly, this really doesn't bother me much as I have been working very hard to make so positive physical changes in myself since the birth of our daughter.  But, I still want to feel like I look great whether I just had a baby or not.  However, this totally beats the time the nurse at my doctor's appointment asked me how many months post-partum I was, to which I simply answered "23."  For many new moms, this is a great compliment, just leave out the "just had a baby" bit.  Because, truth is all mothers of all shapes and sizes look great as moms.  A mom body is something to embrace in itself.  I mean, moms,  you just grew a child and either pushed he/she out of your unmentionable area or had a major operation to have the baby, cut yourself some slack.  You all look great!

3. "He/She is so cute, looks just like his/her dad!" 
My kids are lucky.  Their father is one good lookin' man.  He also seems to have genes much stronger than mine, because our son especially, is a mini daddy.  He looks identical to his dad (minus the most beautiful blue eyes thanks to his mommy, the teen girls in about 10 years will be thanking me).  Our daughter is gorgeous (ok, all babies are, and I'm biased) and she looks like her brother.  Just look at her big, blue doe eyes and wide smile though, that;s where you see her mama!  The nasty crying face and messing her pants face is totally her dad though.  I must admit though, I can't help but think that all those little old ladies at church who happily shared this compliment with us were secretly hinting at how strapping their daddy is.  I'll just refer to him as the Cougar Catcher.

4. "You're house is so clean for having two babies!"
My house is just clean.  Truthfully, the majority of mother's have very clean homes in terms of disinfecting, vacuuming, dusting, sweeping, etc.  These are things I do multiple times a week because when you have small people who like to put things in their mouths, spill things, puke on things, put things in the toilet, the list goes on and on.  So, clean it definitely is to ensure safety of our children.  Does it usually look like Toys R Us exploded in our house? Every single day.  If you catch us off guard there will be mess.  But, the mess is because we have a wild little boy who loves to play.  I promise, the clean is there underneath the newly disinfected toys.

5. "It smells really good in here!  I can't even tell you have kids in diapers!" 
Ok, so I actually really appreciate this compliment.  It lets me know that our house doesn't smell like shit (literally).  With a toddler on potty refusal and a baby, some days we are literally up to our necks in poop diapers.  Especially if corn has been served anytime in the past month.  It is good to know that my home is not reflecting the smell because I do try to purify our air with various essential oils often and I'm completely addicted to Scentsy products.  But, just know it does suffice to just say "it smells good in here!" I would even accept "Wow! Your house doesn't smell like shit!"  Because there have been days where I wonder given the amount of diapers changed that day.  My children are small, but they stink like grown men some days.

Bottom line, if someone offers one of these phrases above, just take it as a good thing.  In reality, they are meaning well.  Few people are out to make mothers feel bad about themselves maliciously.  Most people want you to feel loved and to feel normal even though life with children is sometimes very far from normal.  But, after receiving each of these at least twice from well-meaning people, I just have to chuckle in spite of myself.  Because it's funny.  It's real, it's genuine, and its funny.  the non-compliment compliments, if taken lightly, are always good for a few laughs when you need them most.  

When Toddlers Drop the "F" Bomb...In Church.

It happened.  My (nearly) three year old son has learned his first dirty word.  He enjoys using his "sentence enhancer" on a regular basis to which we always tell him "that's just a lawnmower, buddy! Stop using the dirty word." I thought it was bad when he said it in front of my mother-in-law.  But, you know what's worse than that?  When he says it in Church.

Our family attends Catholic mass once a week at our local church.  Our son is far from an angel in church.  So much so that we head straight to the cry room and don't even attempt sitting in a pew.  He does pretty well there.  So, for those tuning in who are unfamiliar with a Catholic church, let me give you a basic lay out of what we see every Sunday at 10:30 A.M.  We immediately enter the cry room as quickly as possible and through the glass window we have a clear view of the altar, the priest, and the Crucifix that hangs from the ceiling.  Every service, I try to teach our son at least a little bit about Jesus and what we are learning about that Sunday, in between telling him to stop running, sit down, stop yelling, get up off the floor, and keep his shoes on.  He has the basic concept about Jesus down for his age level which is great!  What is NOT so great is that the past two Sundays we have walked in, sat down, and he proudly announces "look mommy! It's %*#&*#&$ Jesus!!"  No. no no no no. In the words of famous rapper Eminem, "He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?!"  Yea, he did.  Loud and clear for the entire room to hear!

I was at a loss for words.  My toddler just dropped the "F" bomb while talking about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  My sweet, little, blue-eyed, blonde boy in his cute little red polo and blue plaid shorts just said the dirtiest of dirty words in a place where it's pretty frowned upon to say those things.  I'm blaming his dad....mostly... So what should I do?! I have a split second to correct this behavior.  He clearly doesn't feel that there is a problem, he was just really, really, really excited to see Jesus that day!  So, I did what any clever mother would do, I responded with "yes son, Jesus loved foxes too, just like you do!"

He doesn't even know what a fox looks like.  But, I saved us both a little embarrassment that day and everyone thought it was just so sweet that this cute little boy was thanking God for the foxes.  But I know what he said.  I know he was just THAT excited to see Jesus.  I don't want to smash this wonderful enthusiasm.  So, for now, he knows that Jesus loves him and Jesus really loves foxes too.

TV? What's That?

The other night my husband had a late night at work, and I was pretty excited.  That meant that I was going to have the TV exclusively to myself!  For the record, I'm definitely not a screen-time limiter (gasp!).  My son rules the TV until 5 P.M. when either my husband or myself declares it to be "mommy and daddy TV time."  I'm not sure why we even add the word "mommy" because let's be honest, it's daddy TV time.  Which doesn't bother me.  After a long day of dealing with the millennials entering the armed forces my husband deserves some time to unwind and relax.  So, unlike many wives and moms, I was totally embracing his absence for the evening for one reason (and no, its not because we are used to being apart, although more on those days later) the fact that I was going to have complete reign of the TV for an ENTIRE night was so lucrative!

The clock finally struck 7 o'clock and my son's bedtime routine was in full force.  We sat in the chair, and, being the philanthropic person that I am, I decided to let him watch his favorite movie, "Home" while we rocked for bed.  He fell asleep and I laid him down in bed per usual.  The baby was sleeping so soundly in her swing (by the way, I LOVE our swing, hmm...that gives me an idea for another time).  This was it! The time had come!  It was truly and fully mommy TV time.

Then my brain froze.  Over 400 channels and I had no idea what I liked to watch.  What shows do I like?  What channels besides DisneyJr, NickJr, and Fox News do we even have?  During the day, unless the PAW Patrol rescues it, Toodles brings it a tool, or The PJ Masks save it I have no idea what anything is.  As for the evening, well, our daughter was almost birthed to Watter's World on the Fox News Network.  So you see the kinds of shows popular in our home.  Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the lessons my son learns while watching educational preschool TV, and I do like staying up to date with the various news shows my husband watches, but damn it sometimes I just want to watch someone try on a bridal gown, look for a fancy house in a foreign country, or a juicy Lifetime sexual tension induced murder mystery.

As I surfed through our channels I was just lost.  It doesn't help that we've lived in Germany for the past three years prior to moving to our current location so I honestly have no idea what stuff is on TV these days.  I settled on a show about people who move into buildings the size of an outhouse and can only get dressed by crawling or laying down; HGTV told me this is referred to as "tiny house living." After about three episodes of mini homes, I decided to turn my attention to my old friend who has yet to fail me in my viewing pleasure, Netflix.  Whatever "Netflix and Chill" means to teens these days (I know what it means, I do have two children afterall) to me it just meant sit there and chill and zombie myself into the boob tube for....exactly two minutes before the baby woke up to eat.  Good thing good ol' Netflix offers a pause button!

So, gone are my days of binge watching shows (because I do not consider the 6 hour PAW Patrol marathon that happened earlier as binge watching....).  But that's ok, because you know what happens now?  I don't take for granted those times when I DO get a little bit of time watching things only I like.  I look forward to something as simple as using the remote for my own viewing pleasure.  So I always start at channel number 289 because that's DisneyJr and that's the only one I have memorized.

There's "P" on my Foot, and Other Thoughts Mom's have in the Shower

Having children changes everything in life.  Some things we can easily prepare ourselves for like the early mornings and diaper changes, but some things you don't even realize will change.  Like showering.  The ability to take long, hot, showers on a whim anytime of the day disappears for most moms.  Not only does the physical aspect change, but so do the thoughts that come and go while in the shower. Gone are the days when I had philosophical thoughts and solutions for many of life's greatest problems while in the shower.  Now, I have thoughts that are less deep and much more practical, and guess what? I know I am not the only one who thinks about these things.  Whether it is an evening or weekend shower when daddy is home to occupy the small people during that time, or the famous "Mom Super Shower" in which I do everything at warp speed to finish showering, dressing, hair, and makeup during the 30 minutes of zombie toddler provided by PAW Patrol I think about mostly the same things.  Here they are.

1. There's P on my foot
When I shower in the morning or after going to the gym, it usually happens while my small people are awake.  On a good day I coordinate this time with the airing of PAW Patrol (thanks, NickJr for that wonderful cinematic masterpiece).  This also means I sacrifice showering in our master bathroom adult-only shower and jump into the shower/tub combo in our other bathroom.  This tub is reserved for our son's bath, and like any toddler he has a multitude of bath toys.  I only have 30 min. to get the whole routine finished, so if there is a bath toy letter in tub from the previous evening's tub time, it's just going to have to stay there.  I can't tell you how many times I have looked down to find "P" stuck to my foot.

2. Showering so quickly has to decrease our water bill
As if thinking about bills isn't constant enough, I even think about them in the shower these days.  Mostly out of pride.  With as quickly as I shower while the small people are awake, I can't help but pat myself on the back for the money I am saving us on water usage.  So, really that's a big wine....I mean win.  The more money I don't spend on the water bill means a larger wine budget, right?

3. Did my child just cry/vomit/choke/scream
The phantom sounds.  I swear every shower I can hear a child crying, puking, or screaming.  It's almost always false except for a few tears here and there.  It's easy with our baby, she mostly just swings away while I take my super fast shower, however, the toddler is another story.  Typically he happily watches PAW Patrol while I lather and rinse, but there are also times he does everything but what he is supposed to do.  A huge thanks to the inventor of baby proofing equipment.

4. How important is it that I shave today?
We've all been there.  It's summer in Missouri which means its HOT.  With heat comes shorts, dresses, skirts, and capris.  The negative side effect is that I have to shave my legs at least periodically to be socially acceptable in public.  Almost every shower I ask myself if my leg hair is THAT noticeable and nearly every time I conclude that I can go "one more day."

5. WTF?! 
You know that moment. When you're in the middle of washing your hair and suddenly the water becomes scolding hot and you are just SURE that your skin is going to burn off your body.  Then, you look out the shower curtain through the blue smiling octopus to discover that your toddler is lovingly flushing the toilet.  Repeatedly.  And laughing at your pain each time.  There are no words for these moments, just know you are not alone!

Mom showers are fast, cluttered with bath toys, and usually bare minimum.  Wash the hair, wash the body and face, and sometimes brush your teeth if you are really in a time crunch.  Sometimes I even condition!  Sometimes I wash my hair in cold water as recommended by my stylist because it is better for my hair.  And sometimes I can get really wild and crazy and shave my legs.  Most days, as long as my hair, pits, feet, and butt are washed I am a thankful and happy person.  But really.  Sometimes you just need a few minutes of along time among the chaos that is every day life with small children.  The shower provides that for me.  It literally drowns out the chaos for just about 5 min., and in those 5 min I can regenerate and be ready to keep on going with the little people.  Plus, also I don't smell like a foot so you're welcome.