Monday, December 5, 2016

Seven Things to Never Get Mom for Christmas

As Christmas time approaches, I know the husbands and children are racking their brains of ideas for what to get mom for Christmas this year.  I can only speak for myself of course, but I know I'm hard to buy for.  I NEVER know what to tell my husband I want, but I know what I, and other moms, don't want for Christmas.  Trust me.  I surveyed people on this one.  As you shop for your wife or mother this season remember this list of the things no mother wants for Christmas.

1. Tupperware 
Just because she says her Tupperware is mismatched is not your cue to purchase this as a gift.  Love is not expressed through food storage units.  Trust me when I say we can purchase our own food storage products, and in reality we probably want to.  I don't care if it is fancy, glass Pyrex or the leak-proof Rubbermaid (ok, both of those are awesome, trust me) we don't want to open this on Christmas day.  Our Tupperware can go another day without the proper lid.

2. Vacuums
Nothing sucks as much as a vacuum for Christmas--see what I did there?  But seriously.  If the gift says "I'm here for you to clean the house, mom!"  We don't want it.  Unless it's a Dyson.  Everyone loves a Dyson.  But, in all seriousness a vacuum is another thing I just need to pick out myself.  Sure, a new vacuum is relatively exciting, but half the excitement is choosing the thing.  Is if good for pet hair?  How easy can I clean it? Can it suck up a goldfish cracker whole?  Is it too loud?  How long is the cord?  These are all things I must ask myself while shopping for my vacuum soul-mate that my husband may not think of in the moment.

3. Clothes in the Wrong Size
Clothes are really tough.  If you know your wife or mother's size to a T, then go for it!  I love getting clothes for a special occasion.  What I do not love is when they are completely the wrong size.  Although it is flattering that my family thinks I am a size small, it is not so flattering when I put that item on.  If you aren't sure if you are looking at me or a stuffed sausage, it goes directly to my "never leave the house, even to get the mail" area of my closet.  It's also not going to make her feel great if the clothes are quite a few sizes to large.  If she loves clothes like me, may a suggest a gift card to her favorite store?  That way you are giving her the gift of a shopping experience (and watch the children for goodness sakes) and ensure the clothes will be the right size.  Win-win.

4. Puppies
Puppies are super cute when they belong to someone else.  If her heart is set on a puppy, go for it.  If she has expressed zero interest in a pet, besides saying a certain breed of puppy is "really cute" do not assume she wants it for Christmas.  The gift of a puppy is the gift of more chores, more cleaning, more worry, even less free time than moms already have, and added things to do everyday.  It's almost like adding another child. Almost.  May I suggest a puppy calendar instead?

5. Terrible Perfume 
Perfume is a hard sell.  When I was about eight, I got my mom a perfume set and I was so proud of myself.  The problem was that the perfume smelled horrible.  It was just awful.  If the nasty smell wasn't enough to make this the worst gift I ever gave my mom, the fact I was very allergic to it just added to its terrible nature.  Or, maybe the allergy was a blessing.  Then my mom had a good excuse to never wear that nasty stuff. It had to be formulated by the devil himself.

6. Nothing
Frankly, I don't care what your excuse is, get her something!  No, a card does not count.  The fact is, moms do everything all day long for everyone and they deserve some type of thanks during the holidays.  I mean, getting a tupperware set is better than getting her nothing--not much better, but it is better.  Trust me when I say all mothers say they want nothing for Christmas or that we don't know what we want because in all the things we do in a day, thinking about what we would like to receive for a gift is one of the last things on our minds.  Find a nice surprise!  Talk to her friends.  Chances are they probably know what extras she would like.  If you can't think of anything, jewelry, wine, and chocolate are always safe options. So is a pedicure.

7.  A Positive Pregnancy Test
When this answer came up in my survey, it won the internet.  We all love our babies more than anything, and for those who are trying for a first or for more this would be the absolute best Christmas present in the world.  But, for those like me, I'd take the vacuum, thanks.  I love my babies, but two surprises later I am stretched very thin for someone who did not expect to have children before 30.  But, here I am kinda rockin' it as the most mediocre mommy out there!  If I were to receive a positive pregnancy test, the mediocre daddy would be receiving a vasectomy.

The bottom line is moms are going to appreciate just being thought of and that you put some thought into a present this Christmas.  It doesn't have to be extravagant or costly.  It doesn't even have to be wrapped; although even Amazon wrapping looks much better under the tree than a Walmart sack does.  Just show mom you love her this season!  Chin up though, if she doesn't like it you always have Valentine's Day to redeem yourself.

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