The Butt Bivouac and Other Signs Kids Live Here

It's pretty easy to tell when you enter a house occupied by children. Beyond the obvious signs like toys everywhere and the actual children, almost every home where a toddler and baby reside there are a few other tell-tale signs. On a good day, there are no Goldfish on my floor, toys are neatly placed in their designated areas, and the table is free of baby and childcare items.  But, even on these days anyone who enters our house knows right away the roost is ruled by a 3 foot, 35 lb, man who does not even need to wipe his own butt yet.  Here's how you know:

1. The Butt Bivouac
This is what I fondly refer to our diaper changing living room area as.  It's our base camp for everything "butt" in our house.  I have a nice coffee table that once housed books, coffee coasters, wine glasses...that now is the designated home of the diaper bin, wipes, and a variety of butt creams.  Many moms have an area designated to changing the babies somewhere in the house besides only the changing table. Why? Because a butt bivouac allows for easy access that's why.

2. Sippy Cups SOMEWHERE

It doesn't matter how hard I look, there is always an elusive sippy cup somewhere in our house.  Whether it's hidden under the couch, in my bed, or out in broad daylight, these cups are my son's method of marking his territory.  Which, at least is a more sanitary method than most mammals use.  It's like a warning to others saying that he has claimed said area in the name of Max.  

3. Cabinet Locks
Because there is inevitably something in your house that could kill a child, there is someone out there living the good life making money off of this idea.  Whether its cleaning supplies or knives kids will find a way to try to get it and put it in their mouth.  It's basically a law of nature for small children.  If it can kill you, drink it!  Cabinet locks are a pain.  But, they are less of a pain than calling poison control because my son thought he should ingest a dishwasher tab.

4.  The (not so) Last Resort Junk Foods (typically in club size)
Ok. So, for us these are not last resort because it is all our toddler will eat!  I know, they are "filled with terrible ingredients equal to arsenic in makeup and slowing killing a child!"  I have yet to fully believe those, but starvation would 100% kill our child, so the easy mac and cheese crackers will continue to be a staple for this picky kiddo.  And, if we are being honest, we all have some form of tell-tale kid snacks whether its these gems, fruit squeeze packs (we have those too!), baby food jars, cute shaped anything, or anything with a Disney Pixar character on it.  Let's not even get into the "Frozen" themed foods.  Just know, there are blue bagels out there with cute little Olaf.  They are $2.39 at most Walmarts.

4. Chocolitized Dairy Product
We have to refer to chocolate milk in this manner because calling it what it is around our chocolate milk addict is like mentioning cocaine to someone needing a fix. He goes INSANE.  But, he also hasn't broken a bone yet (knock on wood), and with his diet as it is, I at least am comforted that he gets adequate calcium and vitamin D.  Whether its a jug in the fridge or some Nesquik in the cupboard I think most mamas can agree this is in all of our houses.  It's ok to admit that chocolate milk is life for toddlers.

5. A Wine Glass with a Lid
Because kids spill shit even if it doesn't belong to them.  Mine also has a track record of breaking wine glasses (Lindsay, if you're reading this, we still owe you!).  So lids and plastic help prevent at least some of the mess.  But to be completely honest, I bought it because it's funny.

6. A Backwards Chair
The only other place where you will find an empty chair facing a white wall is in an asylum.  That alone says a lot about my life from day to day.  But, this is our timeout corner, and believe me when I say that 99% of parents have some area in their house designated for timeouts.  Ours happens to be this IKEA chair facing the blank wall.  In my house, "Mad Max" is more than an awesome cinematic experience, but there is a lot of running, shirtless boys yelling, and milk spilling everywhere.

7. Aerial TVs 

We used to have nice things.  We used to have a tempered black glass entertainment stand that was so pretty!  But, soon cute, little babies learn to walk. Then they learn to push the TV backwards off the entertainment stand.  Then they learn to shove things into the PlayStations.  So, at that point things have to go up; WAY UP. It's like a full on front row theater experience sometimes.  Whether it is up high or mounted, this is really the only way to ensure electronic safety for TVs and really anything else that a toddler should not be pushing off or shoving PlayDoh into.  

8. Toilets Everywhere
I have been told that when they have to go, they have to go.  I wouldn't actually know yet because my child is perfectly satisfied to go on the go in the comfort of his diaper.  But, almost every other toddler house we visit, as well as ours for the day that he does decide he'd like to conform to societal molds and use a toilet, has one of these cute, little, practically useless potties.  If you have a son, you will completely understand why I called it practically useless.  The ONE time he did sit on it and happened to pee, it just arched right on out and was on the carpet anyway.  Thanks, training toilet. The little bump that is supposed to act as a pee guard does absolutely nothing to stop the arch from happening.  Toddlers typically have no shame though. For those who actually use these little potties they will use them in any room.  And let's face it; its a lot more convenient to have this bad boy in the living room when the going gets tough (see what I did there?).  But in my house, it will remain as a ball holder/round haybale feeder for the toy cows and dinosaurs, and a stool to wave at the mail man.

So, if you enter a home and you see a sippy cup laying around, a butt base camp, cabinets you have no idea how to get into, or a toilet in the living room. you'll just know.  You will just know that in that home, somewhere, resides a toddler.  And, let's face it; he/she totally rules the roost.  The evidence is all around.

The Lazy Mom's Guide to Babywearing

Go to Target or Toys r Us on any given week day, or really any day, and you're likely to see a frazzled mom with multiple children doing her shopping.  She's got her hair completely up, her comfy yet public-approved clothing on, probably a latte in hand, and something else; a small child tied to her body.  Literally, just TIED there!  This is better known as babywearing, and although human beings have been doing this since the dawn of time, it has in recent years gained popularity and is becoming more and more mainstream.  I have been securely bitten by the babywearing bug, but my reasons may come as a surprise.

I (almost) hold a bachelor's in developmental psychology (I say almost because "Statistics for the Social Science Major" strands between me and my diploma--bring it, math!) and from my time studying this subject, I could give you pages and pages of reasons why wearing an infant is extremely beneficial for their emotional and mental development.  But, to save some time, securely attached is a super positive thing!  I know this.  Ultimately, it played a huge role in why I chose to wear both of my children. However, my son was not about it AT ALL until he was a year old.  So, when our daughter was in the belly, I was determined to make sure that she LOVED it!  And honestly, even if she didn't it was going to happen for one major reason--I'm kind of lazy.  Babywearing is a Godsend to the lazy moms of 2+.  If I haven't sold you with the importance of securely attached children, then check these reasons out:

1. Hands Free Device
Indiginous peoples of North America, Africa, and parts of Europe really had this figured out.  In their times a baby tied to your body meant hands free for harvesting, moving, and building. Also, it's easier to seek shelter with one's hands free.  But for me hands free means I have two hands accessible to do things like force my toddler to hold my hand in a parking lot, force my toddler to leave the bathroom stall door locked while in public restrooms, and push a cart safely while still having room in the actual cart to place the items we are shopping for.  It is perfect for at home too.  As in sometimes that's the only way I get things like vacuuming and feeding the other people in my house accomplished.  Plus, our son is pretty adamant that using a toilet is not in his plans anytime soon, so changing a diaper is just easier with one child securely fastened on!

2. I know where she is
No judgement.  Sometimes we lose track of our kids!  I know, she can't even coordinate putting her hand into her mouth yet how do I "lose" her?!  I don't. But I have a son who operates at energy level six billion on a regular basis and having her literally on my person lets me know she is safe.  On a serious note, childhood abduction is a serious problem in our world, and if my child is strapped to my body and I have to chase her brother down, I know she is safely with me.  My diaper bag can be replaced, my daughter can not be.

3. Infant carseats weigh 2.6 trillion pounds
Let me make this point quickly because we have all been there!  My daughter weighs about 9 lbs.  no problem!  In her infant carrier carseat she magically weighs nearly 5 tons.  It's a no brainer.  I would so rather wear her sweet little 9 lb self than lug that thing everywhere.  Do I still lug it around? Absolutely.  If I need to run into the post office, we take the carseat; time is money and its more economical in that sense.

4. So many options! 
No matter what your style, your budget, your knowledge on babywearing or your preference it is doable for everyone.  I'm a frugal person.  Some babywearing options are hundreds of dollars.  That is totally okay for those who have that in their budget.  Lucky for us cheapos there are great alternatives for any budget.  I have a considerable "stash" at this point, but everything I have was purchased at a price point affordable for us.  Don't be afraid to buy used!  The main thing is to make sure the carrier is safe for the child and fits your lifestyle and personality.

5. Wear anywhere (literally)
Before we moved the the Show Me State, we spent three years living in Germany.  We wore our son basically everywhere.  He went to museums, to castles, to breweries, to pubs, to festivals, to Christmas Markets, you name it we wore him to it.  Why?  Have you ever tried to manipulate a stroller through thousands of people at the Nuremburg Christmas Market? It's practically impossible.  Europe is not the land of elevators either.  After lugging our jogging stroller up countless flights of stairs to look at the tin figurine museum, the deal on babywearing had been sealed.  I don't want to lug that up stairs!  It was not fun.  Some places we visited did not allow strollers.  So, heads up! If you want to go to the Vintgar Gorge in Slovenia, buy a dang Ergo.  Now that we are back in the USA, the same rule applies.  Trip to Walmart? Tie on the baby.  Going to the winery for a wine tasting? Strap 'er on.  Want to go fishing?  Baby on the body.  It just makes it so much more convenient. and a this life stage that is truly everything for me.

6. It's easy.
Don't let the super gurus fool you, babywearing in its simplest form is so easy.  Once you understand all the safety issues and are confident in your carrier and use, it's second nature.  I'm not an affiliated blogger, as in I am not going to promote a specific group, brand, etc.  but let me just say if you have a local babywearing group, check them out!  If you don't, there are great resources online,  I personally enjoy "Keep Calm and Wear Them" on Facebook, babywearinginternational.org, and some friends who have just been doing it longer than me.  I'm a person who is really all about ease, and as an "easiest way possible" when out and about mom, trust me when I say anyone can do it.

7. Fast food
Oh, the baby needs to eat again?!  There are safe ways to feed without removing the infant from the apparatus.  Again, check out safety and ensure you are up on all the deets, but boob or bottle it works in many carriers.  Plus, they are washable so when spit up happens (and it WILL) wash it.

8. Dad's do it too
Know what's more sexy than my husband wearing our kids?  If Johnny Depp were to wear my baby.  Since that is never going to happen, the short answer is nothing.  Nothing looks better on a daddy than a baby!  Ok, so my husband does not use my pink cowgirl Fidella ring sling (more on this beauty later!) but he does rock the Ergo like a complete and total bad ass.

9. Wine. 
I've worn my daughter to wineries.  Twice.  Know what the best perk of babywearing for the lazy mom is?  Your hands are free to drink wine and check Facebook on your cell phone while your sweet little baby just snoozes away on your chest.  It's amazing.  Because there are moments when you just need even something remotely close to a break, and hey, anything that offers that is worth it in my book.

10. Sleepy dust and sanitation
The whole "sleepy dust" thing is not a myth.  Nine times out of ten when I strap on a baby she falls asleep within five minutes.  It's bliss.  Especially when the baby is fussy, gassy, teething, or just plain mad.  It is not magic, and it does not always work, but its a great resort after I have tried everything else.  I also find it great to wear while our and about because the likelihood that someone is going to touch the baby lessens.  I mean, when her hear is at chest level its a game of change whether someone will be stroking her head or my boob and that is usually a risk most are not willing to take.  Plus, she does not have to sit in the bathroom stall on the floor in her carseat if I need to go.  She doesn't even miss a beat.  Sure, its a little weird the first time, but no more so than the 2.5 year old demanding to flush the toilet once the duty is completed.

So, the moral of the story here is this:  I started this out of complete desperation and necessity, and to be completely honest that is why I continued.  With two small people, I think most would agree that anything to make daily life a bit smoother is awesome.  I don't even pretend to be some super star babywearing mom because I'm not.  I'm just a girl, looking at a kid, knowing that strapping her to my chest is the easiest way possible to accomplish all tasks.  From grocery shopping to tasting wine babywearing is totally where it's at.   Plus. Selfies with babies are pretty cool.

Friday Night Light (at the end of the tunnel)!

It's Friday.  The day where I can finally see the light at the end of tunnel and the weekend approaches.  Not many years ago, I would not have been sitting here in my most comfortable t-shirt and sweats ready for a cozy evening writing.  Back in "the day" (referring to my 2.5 years at community college working towards an agricultural business degree, more on that later) Friday was my chance to put on my favorite t-shirts laden with humorous writing, favorite (tight) jeans, a cute pair of shoes, do my hair and makeup to the 9s and head out with my friends.  We were firm believers in "the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus" that's for sure.  I could go through a can of hairspray in a month!

But, as life goes on it also brings changes.  Now, Fridays are typically spent in comfy clothes counting down the hours (ok, minutes) until my husband is off work for the weekend and we can divide and conquer with the babies or he can spend some time with the kiddos while I go do something, anything alone even for just an hour or two.  Every so often my friends and I participate in this cool thing called "Mom's Night Out" and let me be the first to tell you it's awesome.  There's nothing like finding a group of people who accept you for the goofy weirdo that you are (probably because we are all pretty equally weird).  These nights don't happen weekly like they used to.  There's no teasing of hair involved and I have not contributed to the hole in the ozone layer for a few years now (you're welcome, EPA).  BUT that doesn't mean we don't have fun!  In fact, in a lot of ways its so much more fun! Here's why:

1. No one is looking to get laid. 
I mean, the whole point of mom's night is to take a break from our children and husbands for an evening of straight girl time.  No one is looking to go home with some hunk, take someone home with them, no one leaves you at the party,or even flirts with the random polo-wearing, schmedium loving guy with 2 tons of hair products in his hair.  It's a few hours of straight uninterrupted lady time. And that is SO awesome!

2. No one cares how terrible your dance moves are. 
Truth.  I have a few friends who can totally justify that my signature dance move is the "Bernie" and it is definitely the nerdiest move out there.  But it's so much fun.  Plus, remember all those "lame" dances like the cha-cha slide and the YMCA? Ya. those are cool when you're a mom and these new found dances like the "whip and nae nae" are just a big no-no.  Nothing whips after babies safely, let's just leave it at that.

3. SHOTS!  refers to vaccines now. 
Sorry LMFAO, but gone are the days when I even dreamed of attempting to do 77 shots during that song.  Of course we have to have our one shot for fun, but circa 2010 when I heard the word shots I thought of tequila or vodka and today when I hear it I think of hepatitis.  Even the discussion on shots shifts; it goes from what concoctions makes the best beverage (I'm still a fan of the Jager Bomb) to what concoctions are combined to create fewer pokes.

4. #partyvan
Ok, this sounds wild and crazy right?!  Nah.  This is a hashtag we created in reference to the Nissan Quest that took us from a movie to the pub downtown.  But seriously.  You know what is great about hashtag party van?  It fit all of us, there's already foods because ALL mom vans have crumbs (trust), and no one, and I mean no one, is going to try to drag race us.

5. No One makes you get "Wasted." 
Do we enjoy drinks?  Yes. HUGE YES. Hell to the Yes!  But, we also have small people who are likely going to slap us in the face and yell "GET UP MOMMY!!!" at 6 a.m. the following day.  Plus, we are also quite frugal, and with maturity, comes the realization that drinks at the pub are pricey.  Moderation in consumption equals moderation in spending.  As much as I would LOVE to be able to make it rain when I go out with the gals, I just will continue to ask for bottom shelf on my mixed drinks.  Don't drink? Who cares.  We go for fun, for dancing, for conversation that does not involved what problem the PAW Patrol solved today or how to use a toilet.  In my experience, moms just aren't into the get drunk as fast as you can gig.  No one wants to deal with throw up (especially in the party van) because we have toddlers and babies.  Vomit happens for literally no reason. Plus, we want to remember.  We want to cherish these moments of mom to mom time that is 100% focused on us.  Oh, and did I mention that hangovers with children is probably on the top ten list of the absolute worst thing on this Earth?

6. You can just be You. 
The best part about a mom night Friday night?  You can just be you.  Because in this modern mothering world, we are constantly having judgement passed on us.  But, when you're with your mom mafia no one judges.  No one brings up the tough stuff.  No one judges you on your choices. In fact, no one really even talks about parenting.  The whole purpose of mom's night is to leave the parenting to the daddies and go be ourselves.  Not to brag guys, but we are some pretty cool moms if I don't say so myself.  What makes us cool is that we don't care.  We don't care what color you are, what country you're from, what you're hair looks like, what parent decisions you make, what your political affiliation is, who you'll be voting for, how much you spend on clothes (just please, wear some), what school the kids go to, or what your husband does.  Basically, if you're a nice person we will love you!

So, if you're a mom in the Waynesville, MO area looking for a good time and some fun gals, let us know.  Because, moral of the story, all moms still need a fun Friday.  All moms still need to leave the "mommy" at home for a few hours and just embrace themselves.  All moms need to have fun.  Because caring for us and remembering how to have fun will translate in such a positive way to our children.

Hello from the World's Most Mediocre Mom

Hello Readers! 

Let's begin with a show of hands.  How many of you have children?  Ok, after reading the title of this blog, hopefully that is a majority of you!  How many of you have kids in the baby and toddler stages?  How many of you strive to be the best mother you can be?  Lastly, how many of you secretly have come to terms with the fact that you could probably win the world's okayest mom award?  Well, that one goes to me.  I tried being a "crunchy mom" I did not do well.  I tried being a "Pinterest mom" I did a little bit better, but mostly I just pin cute ideas that in reality I will never ever do. I tried being a "fit mom" and well, that is still a work in progress!  I tried being a natural mom, a stay at home mom, a fun mom, a strict mom, an outdoorsy mom, a stylish mom, a sweet mom, a Super Nanny influenced mom, and a direct sales work from home mom.  I realized that from each of these venues, I picked out what worked and what didn't for my family.  Sure, I would like to write about how we only feed organic food, how we do not allow screen time, how we have successfully potty trained, how I had killer boobs from extended breast feeding, how my children listened to Mozart to fall asleep, how we attended birthing and yoga classes prior to the birth of our children, but that would not be farther from the truth.  Want to know the truth?  The truth is I discovered that I do everything my children need.  I may often live in a shit show.  Actually, there have been days I have very literally lived in one.  Like, poop on my walls and in my sink and on my son shit show.  Those are the moments I realize that I don't know everything about being a mom.  In fact, I know very little.  Everyday is a learning experience and rather than beating myself up over things I try to find the humor in them.  My children are happy, loved, healthy, fun little ones and, for now, I'm keeping my head just enough above the water to enjoy the ride to the fullest.  I don't talk about the heated topics, I don't talk politics, I just keep it real--the plus for you guys is that sometimes I'm funny (or at least I often think I am kind of funny!).  I'm not even going to pretend to be a super mom, but I proudly strut my stuff, typically in my sweatpants or leggings, as the mediocre mommy.