The Butt Bivouac and Other Signs Kids Live Here

It's pretty easy to tell when you enter a house occupied by children. Beyond the obvious signs like toys everywhere and the actual children, almost every home where a toddler and baby reside there are a few other tell-tale signs. On a good day, there are no Goldfish on my floor, toys are neatly placed in their designated areas, and the table is free of baby and childcare items.  But, even on these days anyone who enters our house knows right away the roost is ruled by a 3 foot, 35 lb, man who does not even need to wipe his own butt yet.  Here's how you know:

1. The Butt Bivouac
This is what I fondly refer to our diaper changing living room area as.  It's our base camp for everything "butt" in our house.  I have a nice coffee table that once housed books, coffee coasters, wine glasses...that now is the designated home of the diaper bin, wipes, and a variety of butt creams.  Many moms have an area designated to changing the babies somewhere in the house besides only the changing table. Why? Because a butt bivouac allows for easy access that's why.

2. Sippy Cups SOMEWHERE

It doesn't matter how hard I look, there is always an elusive sippy cup somewhere in our house.  Whether it's hidden under the couch, in my bed, or out in broad daylight, these cups are my son's method of marking his territory.  Which, at least is a more sanitary method than most mammals use.  It's like a warning to others saying that he has claimed said area in the name of Max.  

3. Cabinet Locks
Because there is inevitably something in your house that could kill a child, there is someone out there living the good life making money off of this idea.  Whether its cleaning supplies or knives kids will find a way to try to get it and put it in their mouth.  It's basically a law of nature for small children.  If it can kill you, drink it!  Cabinet locks are a pain.  But, they are less of a pain than calling poison control because my son thought he should ingest a dishwasher tab.

4.  The (not so) Last Resort Junk Foods (typically in club size)
Ok. So, for us these are not last resort because it is all our toddler will eat!  I know, they are "filled with terrible ingredients equal to arsenic in makeup and slowing killing a child!"  I have yet to fully believe those, but starvation would 100% kill our child, so the easy mac and cheese crackers will continue to be a staple for this picky kiddo.  And, if we are being honest, we all have some form of tell-tale kid snacks whether its these gems, fruit squeeze packs (we have those too!), baby food jars, cute shaped anything, or anything with a Disney Pixar character on it.  Let's not even get into the "Frozen" themed foods.  Just know, there are blue bagels out there with cute little Olaf.  They are $2.39 at most Walmarts.

4. Chocolitized Dairy Product
We have to refer to chocolate milk in this manner because calling it what it is around our chocolate milk addict is like mentioning cocaine to someone needing a fix. He goes INSANE.  But, he also hasn't broken a bone yet (knock on wood), and with his diet as it is, I at least am comforted that he gets adequate calcium and vitamin D.  Whether its a jug in the fridge or some Nesquik in the cupboard I think most mamas can agree this is in all of our houses.  It's ok to admit that chocolate milk is life for toddlers.

5. A Wine Glass with a Lid
Because kids spill shit even if it doesn't belong to them.  Mine also has a track record of breaking wine glasses (Lindsay, if you're reading this, we still owe you!).  So lids and plastic help prevent at least some of the mess.  But to be completely honest, I bought it because it's funny.

6. A Backwards Chair
The only other place where you will find an empty chair facing a white wall is in an asylum.  That alone says a lot about my life from day to day.  But, this is our timeout corner, and believe me when I say that 99% of parents have some area in their house designated for timeouts.  Ours happens to be this IKEA chair facing the blank wall.  In my house, "Mad Max" is more than an awesome cinematic experience, but there is a lot of running, shirtless boys yelling, and milk spilling everywhere.

7. Aerial TVs 

We used to have nice things.  We used to have a tempered black glass entertainment stand that was so pretty!  But, soon cute, little babies learn to walk. Then they learn to push the TV backwards off the entertainment stand.  Then they learn to shove things into the PlayStations.  So, at that point things have to go up; WAY UP. It's like a full on front row theater experience sometimes.  Whether it is up high or mounted, this is really the only way to ensure electronic safety for TVs and really anything else that a toddler should not be pushing off or shoving PlayDoh into.  

8. Toilets Everywhere
I have been told that when they have to go, they have to go.  I wouldn't actually know yet because my child is perfectly satisfied to go on the go in the comfort of his diaper.  But, almost every other toddler house we visit, as well as ours for the day that he does decide he'd like to conform to societal molds and use a toilet, has one of these cute, little, practically useless potties.  If you have a son, you will completely understand why I called it practically useless.  The ONE time he did sit on it and happened to pee, it just arched right on out and was on the carpet anyway.  Thanks, training toilet. The little bump that is supposed to act as a pee guard does absolutely nothing to stop the arch from happening.  Toddlers typically have no shame though. For those who actually use these little potties they will use them in any room.  And let's face it; its a lot more convenient to have this bad boy in the living room when the going gets tough (see what I did there?).  But in my house, it will remain as a ball holder/round haybale feeder for the toy cows and dinosaurs, and a stool to wave at the mail man.

So, if you enter a home and you see a sippy cup laying around, a butt base camp, cabinets you have no idea how to get into, or a toilet in the living room. you'll just know.  You will just know that in that home, somewhere, resides a toddler.  And, let's face it; he/she totally rules the roost.  The evidence is all around.