Being a mother, I am the first teacher my children will ever know; and in many ways the most important source for socially and morally acceptable behaviors. Myself, along with their dad, are the two figures who will make the biggest mark on their sponge-like brains as we shape them to become decent adults. At least that is the ultimate goal, and I think for most parents out there it is. As a mother specifically, there are things that I can put into place during my children's youth, specifically
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| Photo from 'Know Your Meme' retrieved from http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/metoo |
I am a mother to a boy.
One of the most important things in my overall parenting plan is to raise a son who has morals and values and treats all people the way he would want to be treated. The 'boys will be boys' mentality just doesn't work for me. At this stage in his life, I don't want him to think that just because he is a boy every single place we go is a playground. As he enters adulthood later on I do not want him to feel that actions are excusable solely because he is a boy and 'that's what boys do.' Frankly speaking, 'boys will be boys' just can't apply to groping, cat-calling, or rape. No one, boy or girl, gets to call each other some of the horrible names I have heard women and girls called because they won't comply to a man or boy's wishes. He will in time know that the "walk of shame" concept for girls, while boys are high-fived for a great performance is cruel and wrong. Women are not animals. Sex is not something that should be rewarded by peers or used as weapon for the girls who may no longer be interested.
Secondly, he needs to understand that no means no. Right now we are really working on this in terms of number of doughnuts consumed in a week. He just doesn't understand why mommy says no to Dunkin Donuts for breakfast on a daily basis. Secretly, I really wish that was our life, but it is not. He must understand that when a person says no, that is 100% what that word means. No means stop. No means 'I do not want this'. No means no. This concept also relates to his play among his friends. If he asks a child to stop doing something, I fully expect them to stop and vice versa. I only ever want someone to say 'no' to him once before he stops the behavior--whether it is throwing a stick at someone (now) or asking a girl to dance (later).
In these teaches of love and respect, I am not alone. Children want to see love in others; such as their parents. The way my husband speaks to and treats me is something that I can only pray our son will take through his life. We are a team in that there are no "man and woman" tasks in our household; everyone helps each other with things. His dad has no problem doing the dishes or laundry if needed and often does those tasks without being asked because he sees it needs done. He also helps cook (I will just add he is a DAMN good cook, too!). I also know how to do many things that society still looks at as a "manly" task; like fishing and hunting though I haven't been in a while. These are things we can do together. Most importantly is he hears daily how his dad speaks to me. He hears words of affirmation, real conversations, laughter, 'I love you's', and compliments. He hears constructive criticism given in an appropriate way. He does not hear name calling or inappropriate comments (I am not saying we don't make any, because we are basically the king and queen of inappropriate comments, however, children at his age cannot distinguish between a joke and truth and do not understand the content). He sees acts of appropriate affection in front of him; hugs, nice kisses, hand holding, and help. He sees consoling when I am feeling down. He sees that his dad and I are a team that stands beside each other.
Even as a child, it is important he understands there are areas of both boys and girls that are never okay to touch. Kids play and toddlers are inherently curious especially about their bodies (read Freud's work on anal retentiveness; not necessarily accurate other than toddlers are always touching their damn butt). Right now, we discuss the places that are never to be touched by anyone while playing or not. He understands that each person has their "no-no zone" (thanks, 7th grade P.E. for that term). This is a basic foundation for later talks that thankfully we have some time yet to prepare for.
As life carries on there are more lessons we will have to teach our son as his maturity level increases. I am thankful we do not have to cross that bridge yet, but realize that even at four teaching basic equality of all people is important. How we treat each other is everything in this world. Later on we will have to discuss the tougher topics. One day, he will need to learn that just because he is a boy doesn't mean his ultimate goal is to have sex with as many women as possible. He will need to learn to respect his body and others. He will need to learn how everything "works" (tagging dad in on that one!). My goal is to build up his self-esteem so much that those who try to pressure him into something cannot, and that he can be a voice to stand up and say no to anyone pressuring him to treat others wrongly or wanting him to do something that may hurt another person.
I am a mother to a girl.
Ohhh sweet baby girl. How I wish you could stay so sweet and innocent forever. How I wish you could never be hurt by this world. But, I also know how tough things may be later on--like college campuses and high school. I know what pressures you may feel, and I pray everyday that you will not experience what so many of us have. I also know that is not the current societal norm.
Isn't is sad I had to use "societal norm" when speaking about how girls are treated on college campuses and in high schools in today's world? Why is this a norm? It sure as hell doesn't have to be. This, too, can begin with me as a mom. My daughter must know many of the things we are and will instill in our son; like "no-no zones" and when no means no (wish she'd learn that about climbing on the dining table like yesterday). There are also so, so many things I want her to know to understand her value as a woman and realize her worth in that she won't be blind to a bad situation (like her mama was so long ago).
There are things I want my daughter to know. I want her to know that she doesn't have to find her friends and her worth in bed. Thinking back to my college days, I can think of so many times when girls were pressured into sex because they felt that it was some sort of right of passage. Whether this was by one boy, a group of boys, her friends, peers at a party, older students, or her good buddy Jose Cuervo, I can think of far too many friends and girls who felt that was the key to self-validation in college. I can tell you, it's not. I want her to know that if she does meet her good friend Jose Cuervo, he can be tamed. Drinking does not by any means give a man the right to say or treat her any differently and she does not have to do anything with said person just because Jose was involved. I want her to know that just because she is a girl, doesn't mean she can't defend herself either verbally or physically if needed in the event a bad situation arises. I mean, I watched her slap a kid with her shoe at the park one day for teasing her so Lord have mercy if so... I hope that she looks in the mirror and sees how beautifully and wonderfully made our God made her. I hope she knows that the way she dresses does not give a man the right to touch or verbally harass her. I hope she exudes so much self confidence no one can ever bring her down.
I hope when the time comes for her and I to sit down and have these conversations, that she realizes it is from a place of love. I hope that she will come to me with her questions and know that she can tell me anything and seek her mama as a source of advice always. I hope she will use that sweet little self of hers to tell some jerk to you-know-what off when she needs to, but speak kindly otherwise. I hope no one calls her "honey," "sweetheart," or anything else in a derogatory way. I hope if (and when) someone calls her a dirty name, she lets it roll off her shoulder like rain.
Ultimately, I as a mother, and on a bigger scale, we as parents have the power to do whatever we can to instill the ideas and morals in our children that can work towards reducing sexual abuse and harassment in our schools, colleges, and world. Though these things will continue to happen, we can do our best to raise good little people, to become good big people, to use their morals and voices to continue to facilitate change in our world. For our daughters, our granddaughters, our sisters, our nieces, our friends, and ourselves.
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