The No Sandwich

Contributed by: Colleen Rye, henceforth known as Slave to My Spawn

“No, I don’t want an apple, NO!” Lunchtime and my three-and-a-half year old decides that he is serving No Sandwiches. But wait, I’M the momma. I’M the boss. I decide what is for lunch! Before I had kids, I had this idea of how my kids were going to be. They will be kind, have lots of friends, and do at least 95% of the things I ask. Clearly, I was drunk when I had those thoughts.  My sweet (when he wants to be) little boy helped create a new taste sensation. As all parents know, “No” is the most important word at this age. “No potty No.” “No chicken No.” In fact, you can sandwich any suggested phrase between “No.”  In our house, we refer to this as a No Sandwich.

Now that he has found his voice and uses it. All. The. Time. Most answers are “No, I don’t want _____, NO!” The No Sandwich is bittersweet. Sometimes he will serve it and it’s funny. For example, “Peanut (that’s what I call him sometimes), would you like to eat popcorn for dinner?” Popcorn is of his favorite snacks, but I get “No, I don’t want ka-porn, NO!” Until I walk away from the pantry to sit down on the couch. Then he emphatically tells me he wants popcorn. Duh. I’m your momma. I know you want the damn ka-porn. Other times, it’s not funny and I want to rip my hair out. I am sure most parents can relate. Case in point, we had been in the house for a few days because of the weather. I was getting cabin fever and it was going to be beautiful outside. “Grab your shoes! We are going to the park to play outside!” He loves being outside and running around like a mad man. He’ll play in dirt, he’ll play on rocks, grass; he doesn’t care. But of course, you know the answer he gave me. “No, don’t wanna go outside, NO!”  This is when I lose it and start spouting off ridiculous punishments if he doesn’t find his shoes so we can get the eff out of the house. “I’m not going to read Sneetches at bedtime!” or “You will not watch cartoons if you don’t get your shoes!” In 4 days, I had had enough Daniel Tiger, Curious George, and PJ Masks. I wanted sunshine. I wanted wind. I wanted to get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts drive through and talk with other parents with children as crazy as mine. I JUST WANTED OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE! He did finally get his shoes, after I told him that his friends were going to be there and that he could get a cheeseburger afterward. Yes, I resorted to bribery.

Internet professionals (HA!) tell me that he will be a leader. He will stand up for himself and won’t back down from challenges. He will change the world and how mankind thinks. He could be President of the United States or run a global corporation or BOTH! But right now, I want him to go to bed at 8pm, pick up his dinosaurs and Legos that are all over the floor, and finish his chicken at dinner. At times, I have had my fill of the No Sandwich and I want to ram it back down his throat. But then, he’ll look at me with those beautiful brown eyes and tell me he loves me.  And I’ll eat the No Sandwich, savor the taste with the memory of that moment, and know that these memories will taste better and better with each passing year.

Becoming a Military Spouse: A Lesson in Finding YOU!

If, on the day I set foot in my first agricultural business class, someone told me I would be marrying a soldier in three years, moving over seas, and saying farewell to my (at that time) dream career, I would have laughed.  I thought I knew exactly who I was. I was Courtney Mathews, well-known participant in FFA and 4-H which brought me opportunities literally all over the country to meet new people, make great connections, and map out step by step exactly what I needed to do to be what I wanted in life. Then, everything changed.

I met this pretty cool, super good looking, kind of funny guy one day and the rest is history.  Now we are married, with two wonderful little people none of which I would trade for anything.  Oh!  One little tiny detail....that guy I told you about?  He's in the army, and, like it or not, that little tidbit was destined to change the course of my life forever.

When we got married, I knew a lot of things were going to change, but it didn't hit me for a few weeks just how much.  Five days after our wedding I boarded a plane to move to Germany with my husband as he was stationed there.  I soon came to a pretty harsh realization; not one person knew me.  Not one person knew who I was.  Sure, they knew I was "Mrs. Dixon" or "staff sergeant Dixon's wife" but no one knew ME.  No one knew I had given up everything (willingly, he didn't force me to marry him, no worries) to live this life.  I left behind my degree field, my ambitions, my horses, my training talents, my dream job, my family, my friends, and everything I knew to be true about myself.  Two things can happen when a person is stripped of what she believes to be her identity--depression or rediscovery.  Admittedly, I experienced both.   I mourned the loss of me, of who I was, of a secure sense of self.  I was happy and ecstatic to be married and to be expecting our first child (that happened fast!).  After a while of wondering, of searching, of waiting, of trying things, I realized one thing; no one can tell you who you are, that part is up to you, and you get to be whoever you want!

So I had to leave behind my ag business dreams, but I did not give up on my education.  I found a new and better suited venue for my personality as a psychology major, and I still attended my dream school, just online!  I found new hobbies to enjoy regardless of where life takes us.  I found new people I would have never met otherwise and have built such amazing and strong friendships.  I have found new passions in life that I would not have been so devoted to without this life.  I have discovered strengths I never knew I had.  I have found talents I never knew I had.  After all, who would have thought I would be (sort of) awesome at Zumba?  Do I miss the things I loved before? Everyday.  Everyday I miss my horses and showing and training.  I miss ranch life.  I miss rodeos, horse shows, and long days training.  But, when I start to feel those things getting to me, I remind myself that those dreams are not dead, they are just delayed.  The things I am experiencing right now are things that are one-time opportunities!  These experiences are writing my story, and I prefer for it to be a long and at least mildly interesting one.  Most of all, I want to exemplify to my children that we don't always do the things we want in our time, there's a timeline much greater than our own.

I am not anonymous in this life.  I have a voice, I am a person, and I live things to the fullest.  I have experienced cultures, circumstances, and places that I would not have otherwise, and this has all helped build a new puzzle of me.  I know much more about who I am, my strengths, my goals, and my likes than I did before this life.  I know who I AM!  I have found myself in a life that can very easily become a life of monotonous anonymity; don't let it.  Find you. Be you.  Love you, and spread that with everyone you meet!  Being a bit of sunshine and positivity in a life of camo, boots, goodbyes, and transition is the least you can do for you!  Trust me, it goes a long way for your personal well-being.  Know you, be you, love you, and be as completely fabulous as you can!

The Potty Training Drinking Game

It seems like someone has created a drinking game for everything.  Political debates, football games, outcomes of various sporting events, the Olympics, The Bachelor, and about any other pop culture happening.

So, it's time for me to share my drinking game; the potty training drinking game.  We are on day three of potty training our three year old son, I have learned this is not for the faint of heart.  I have lost a handbag and a pair of shoes to the "accidents."  I put that in parentheses because those two particular incidents were at least somewhat, malicious.  Not so much that he maliciously peed, but he did maliciously go hide in my closet because he did not feel the need to sit on the potty.  Clearly, he needed to.

So, the game is simple.  Before noon, brew your favorite coffee.  I am so unbelievably thankful for the Keurig I received as a graduation present right now.  It basically is going just endlessly before 2 p.m. making us wonderful cups of coffee to help keep my sane and level headed as I help our son use the potty.  After noon, pour yourself your favorite glass of wine.  I suggest having a box of wine for the potty training escapade (trust me, you're going to need it).  Every time your child goes in the potty, take a drink!  Because let's be honest, this is just as much an accomplishment for mom (or dad) as it is for the child.  You deserve to celebrate each little moment too. Plus, it helps keep you really happy and really sane through the potty training journey.

It also doesn't hurt to take a drink (or two) while cleaning up every accident.  I'm convinced that for each successful goal, there needs to be at least 45 accidents associated.  Reminding myself that these are accidents and he is learning a pretty mentally tough concept to get; essentially potty training is the redirection of a natural instinct, so it's going to take some time, is beneficial.  Folgers and Franzia are helping me remind myself of this each time I'm scrubbing.  Let me just take a minute to thank Hoover for making the Little Green Machine carpet spot cleaner.  It's a life saver.

As I am learning at only three days in, potty training sucks.  It's not easy, my son is very stubborn; he wants to learn but on his terms not mine.  He is figuring it out slowly but surely.  Whatever you as a parent can do to get through the tough stuff that is this life stage do it!  If its pouring a glass of wine to sip through the afternoon at 1 p.m. I won't judge you.  If all else fails, play the potty training drinking game as invented by the Mediocre Mommy.

**ALWAYS DRINK RESPOSIBLY** Those under 21 years of age by federal law are prohibited from consuming alcoholic beverages (but coffee is not off limits!).

The Evolution of [Mom] Dance

The weekend finally approached!  Time to find my cutest outfit, favorite shoes, do my hair and makeup just so, and head out!  As long as the DJ is good, it doesn't matter where we go; it's time to dance.  The moves are simple, just kind of shake it and sway side to side, drink a vodka-cranberry (or just a cranberry if we're at the college dances) and scan the area for the best looking guys...

Fast forward six years.

Whoop!  The night is finally here!  Time to put on my favorite, pink and gray pants, best pink tank top, throw my hair up in some sort of messy concoction on my head, and lace up my favorite....Asics! Or Nike's if I am feeling really ambitious.  Wait.  Isn't that how everyone hits the club?  It is if you're super cool and spend your monthly "clubbin" night doing Zumba at the sort of dance club in small town Missouri. Like everything else, my dance moves have evolved as I have entered motherhood as well.  They are definitely NOT cooler, but I am cooler, because unlike six years ago, I really could care less what anyone thinks of my moves.

About every other month on the last Friday, the "dance club" in town opens the doors only for the ladies and guys who take Zumba classes from our local instructor.  We spend about two solid hours Zumbaing our butts off.  It's pretty awesome!  Make fun of Zumba all you want, I sure did in my pre-marriage, pre-children days, but that stuff is hard work!  It's a great workout and it is a lot of fun.  Now, I never said I was good at Zumba.  Watching me is like watching a drunken octopus do ballet on an icy stage, but I don't care!  It's fun, and I probably am a hoot to those who watch me.  Luckily, my friends and I are all about the same level of Zumba greatness, so sometimes its like watching seven drunk octopus's do their thing on the dance floor.

I have never been big on dirty or sexually explicit dancing.  I don't so much care if other people do it, I just know I don't physically move that way.  This is coming from the person who went to quite a few college dances dressed in a banana suit.  Twerking didn't "werk" for this person.  I can't even begin to think how to make my body do that!  I am not that good.  Know what I can do? I can do the best sprinkler you have ever seen, an amazing shopping cart, and I am not too shabby at the lawnmower or driving the bus.  Sometimes I just kind of move around for no reason in time with the music.

But the best part about evolving the the "mom dances" isn't the fact that someday I will use my killer moves to totally embarrass my "too cool for mom" teens (although that's a close second), it's that I just don't care anymore.  When we go have fun dancing I'm not trying to find some cute guy, I've got that back at home (and he is REALLY cute, guys).  I no longer care what other people will think about me, I don't even care if anyone notices I exist!  I'm there to spend time with some of my best friends!  We just want to get our Zumba on, grab our one free drink, dance a couple songs, and then get Taco Bell on the way home--because we clearly burned enough calories to do so, right?  It's all about balance.  So the next time you're out on the town, and see some weird lady in workout clothes mowing the lawn or doing the funky chicken or completing the best sprinkler you have EVER witnessed, just yell "Hey Courtney!" I'll wave!  I'll probably come make you dance with me too, but I will definitely wave.

Candy Cane Blues: The Trials of an Allergy Mom

  Having kids is never easy.  I can think of at least a billion things that haven't gone as planned so far in my parenting journey, like the tantrums or the refusal to use a toilet.  What I didn't plan for was a child with a severe allergy/intolerance to dyes and artificial sweeteners.  This has become especially tough as the season for sweets and candy is upon us.

Having a child with any type of allergy is hard, I know because I not only mother a child with an issue but have many allergy issues with foods as well as Celiac's Disease, so I am no knew hand at special dietary needs.  What I am new to is deciding just what our son can and cannot have; usually discovering the cannots when it's too late.  Like today.  Today he woke up happy and playful (at a ridiculously early hour per usual).  We began to get ready for a big day of special Max time on the 1880s Santa Claus Express--a North Pole themed ride on the 1880s train in Hill City, SD.  Then it happened.  He was throwing up.  Then the guessing game begins.  Is it the stomach flu?  Did he eat something inedible?  Was the milk bad?  Oh, wait.  There it is.  That candy cane he had yesterday? Red Dye 40, one of the biggest culprits of his allergy issues.  Coupled with a chocolate Santa containing an artificial sweetener.  Let me just say, Splenda is not our friend.  The worst part?  I thought they were ok.  I know, I know "you didn't know those would bother him!" but that doesn't make it easier to see a child, MY child, sick when it could have been prevented.  Trial and error is not the way to learn, but sadly, it's been how we have to figure this out for him.

Candy canes are a no go for my sweetener and dye sensitive three year old.  Do you know how hard that is for him to understand?  It's hard.  He thankfully is a very understanding little guy; he knows that "that gunna get my tummy sick, mom!" and that's the end of it.  But it's still hard for a little guy to understand.  It's hard when the other kids get candies he can't have.  It's hard when he is given a candy that I have to take away from him.  It's hard when people make fun of parents like me.

I know it's hard to understand allergies or having a child with allergies if it is not something that is a part of life for all.  I worry about school days and how that bridge can be crossed as smoothly as possible.  I am thankful for the friend(s) I have who willingly watches my kids and who genuinely monitor and care about what Max can and cannot eat.  I am thankful his condition is not worse and that we are learning how to work around it.  That doesn't make those few aside comments hurt any less.

From our experience, I have learned some valuable things.  Firstly, I understand how lacking our food system is at explicit labeling of ingredients after having to painstakingly search for in depth ingredient lists for every candy in his Halloween bag, parade candy, or newly candy canes.  This is something I would love to see improved in our future and it is 100% possible if we voice our concerns.  Secondly, I learned that its just not ok to poke fun at eating problems or tease parents for how they feed their children.  This was not something I had done in the past, but I do admit there were times I would chuckle to myself grocery shopping and seeing all the "Organic" and "All Natural" selections that were obviously so without need for additional labeling.  But I get it now.  It is comforting to know that there are products out there I can buy without having to look up ingredients on my cell phone in the grocery store.  It's nice to have that small bit of normalcy while shopping.

Bottom line: if a parent chooses to go gluten free, dairy free, nut free, preservative free, sweetener free, vegan, all meats, vegetarian, feed the child fast food daily, eat deli meats, buy candy bars, buy only fruit, or any other eating choice it's their choice and only their choice and that mom probably doesn't need your input.  Don't tell her she eats weird.  Don't tell her her children eat weird.  Don't poke fun at things like celebrations and birthday parties that she worked damn hard to make sure her child wasn't sick the next day because of food choices.  We don't know everyone's reasons and we don't need to to just be good and understanding people.  I just laugh it off when people poke fun at how my son eats or think I am "weird" or "mean" or "a hippie" for making sure my child's sweets are real ingredients only.  At the end of the day, I'm the one caring for and cleaning up after a sick child who could have had a lot of avoided discomfort and I love that I can help prevent that from happening.  Besides, eliminating dyes and artificial sweeteners doesn't mean my child eats organic, healthy, wonderful, wholesome meals daily.  The kid had a hotdog for breakfast.  It's all about balance.  

The Best Kid-Friendly Christmas Movies That Won't Drive You Nuts!

As Christmas approaches, I have noticed that literally every.single.kids.show has a Christmas special of some sort.  There's PAW Patrol "The Pups Save Christmas!", LEGO "Frozen: See the Northern Lights", "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse Christmas", and countless others.  I'm confident that at least 99% of children's TV shows have a Christmas, or (if we are being politically correct) Holiday Special of some sort.  These newer specials are all good and fine, I like PAW Patrol just as much as the next person over 10 years of age, but let's be honest.  None of these specials hold a card to the classic Christmas movies out there!  I love a good holiday special, but some movies just never get old!  Here are the best kid-friendly Christmas movies that won't drive you completely insane.

1. Elf
I love "Elf."  I mean, this may be one of the best Christmas movies EVER MADE.  This is not just because I am a huge fan of Will Farrell comedies, it is just that funny.  Light enough for kids but with enough subtle adult humor to keep adults entertained through the whole movie.  The movie is rated PG by the MPAA for the subtle adult humor.  I personally appreciate the light-heartedness, humor, positive message, and that the movie does not contain bad language.  Win for kids, win for moms!

2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
All versions of "The Grinch" are awesome.  For smaller kids, the 1966 animated version is a big hit!  Vibrant colors, good time length, and an easy-to-understand message for kiddos.  Also knows as "Dr. Suess's How the Grinch Stole Christmas" the film is 26 minutes long (score for toddler moms!) and is rated PG for....Who knows I would call it a G, but I don't work for the MPAA.  For adults and older kids, ages 8+ the Jim Carrey version is also great!  The content is the same, story goes a bit deeper with the same good lesson to be learned, and provides a great platform for discussing what is really important during Christmas time for kids who are old enough to pick out that level on content.  This film is also rated PG and is still a go-to for me every single Christmas!

3. The Santa Claus
Who doesn't like Tim Allen in "The Santa Claus"?!  This has to easily be one of my absolute favorite Christmas films.  I know, I say that a lot.  It is such a cute and funny story!  Kids loving seeing how the modern Santa came to be, and Tim Allen provides clean, fun humor for parents as well.  Also, I would say the sequels are honestly pretty good too.  That is not something I say about every movie with a sequel--in fact, I often think the sequels are terrible.  So, good job to the writers here!  Great story lines on all three movies.  This movie, and all sequels, are rated PG by the MPAA.

4. Anything Frosty or Rudolph Clay-mation 
There are so many of these to pick just one!  The ratings rage from G to PG depending on the films, but I love them all!  Rudolph rescues the New Year's baby whose parents just let a baby escape, The one with Jack Frost, just all of them.  Watch ALL THE MOVIES in this genre? Line? Series?  I don't know what to refer to it as exactly, but moms: you know what I mean.  Don't deprive your kids of our childhood loves.  Or, in my case, force your child to watch it because it is just that great!



5. It's Christmas, Charlie Brown
It just wouldn't be a holiday in America without a Charlie Brown special.  This just so happens to be my favorite Charlie Brown.  There just isn't anything more wholesome than anything with good ol' Charlie Brown.  The whole film is cute, heartwarming, and filled with great, positive, messages for kids.  There isn't much more to say about it, but any holiday just isn't the same without Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy, PigPen, and the rest of the gang!  Te production is rated G by the MPAA.

These are just my top five favorites, but there are so many more great Christmas movies that the entire family will enjoy including "The Polar Express," "A Christmas Story," "Christmas Vacation," "Christmas with the Cranks," "Prancer," "Annabelle's Wish," "It's a Wonderful Life," and the Disney version of "A Christmas Carol."  The Mediocre Daddy would be forlorn if I did not include his favorite Christmas movie, "Die Hard" in the mix.  the jury is still out on that one.  I say because the setting happens to be on Christmas, does not necessarily make it a shoe-in as a Christmas Movie, he disagrees.  Bottom line, no matter what film you chose, whether you own it or come across it on television, Netflix, or Hulu, or even YouTube it (we ALL know someone has posted low-quality versions filming the TV from a cell phone camera for others to enjoy) the point is to do something special with your family this season, and curling up with a family-friendly Christmas movie is just the ticket on these cold wintery days!  

Seven Things to Never Get Mom for Christmas

As Christmas time approaches, I know the husbands and children are racking their brains of ideas for what to get mom for Christmas this year.  I can only speak for myself of course, but I know I'm hard to buy for.  I NEVER know what to tell my husband I want, but I know what I, and other moms, don't want for Christmas.  Trust me.  I surveyed people on this one.  As you shop for your wife or mother this season remember this list of the things no mother wants for Christmas.

1. Tupperware 
Just because she says her Tupperware is mismatched is not your cue to purchase this as a gift.  Love is not expressed through food storage units.  Trust me when I say we can purchase our own food storage products, and in reality we probably want to.  I don't care if it is fancy, glass Pyrex or the leak-proof Rubbermaid (ok, both of those are awesome, trust me) we don't want to open this on Christmas day.  Our Tupperware can go another day without the proper lid.

2. Vacuums
Nothing sucks as much as a vacuum for Christmas--see what I did there?  But seriously.  If the gift says "I'm here for you to clean the house, mom!"  We don't want it.  Unless it's a Dyson.  Everyone loves a Dyson.  But, in all seriousness a vacuum is another thing I just need to pick out myself.  Sure, a new vacuum is relatively exciting, but half the excitement is choosing the thing.  Is if good for pet hair?  How easy can I clean it? Can it suck up a goldfish cracker whole?  Is it too loud?  How long is the cord?  These are all things I must ask myself while shopping for my vacuum soul-mate that my husband may not think of in the moment.

3. Clothes in the Wrong Size
Clothes are really tough.  If you know your wife or mother's size to a T, then go for it!  I love getting clothes for a special occasion.  What I do not love is when they are completely the wrong size.  Although it is flattering that my family thinks I am a size small, it is not so flattering when I put that item on.  If you aren't sure if you are looking at me or a stuffed sausage, it goes directly to my "never leave the house, even to get the mail" area of my closet.  It's also not going to make her feel great if the clothes are quite a few sizes to large.  If she loves clothes like me, may a suggest a gift card to her favorite store?  That way you are giving her the gift of a shopping experience (and watch the children for goodness sakes) and ensure the clothes will be the right size.  Win-win.

4. Puppies
Puppies are super cute when they belong to someone else.  If her heart is set on a puppy, go for it.  If she has expressed zero interest in a pet, besides saying a certain breed of puppy is "really cute" do not assume she wants it for Christmas.  The gift of a puppy is the gift of more chores, more cleaning, more worry, even less free time than moms already have, and added things to do everyday.  It's almost like adding another child. Almost.  May I suggest a puppy calendar instead?

5. Terrible Perfume 
Perfume is a hard sell.  When I was about eight, I got my mom a perfume set and I was so proud of myself.  The problem was that the perfume smelled horrible.  It was just awful.  If the nasty smell wasn't enough to make this the worst gift I ever gave my mom, the fact I was very allergic to it just added to its terrible nature.  Or, maybe the allergy was a blessing.  Then my mom had a good excuse to never wear that nasty stuff. It had to be formulated by the devil himself.

6. Nothing
Frankly, I don't care what your excuse is, get her something!  No, a card does not count.  The fact is, moms do everything all day long for everyone and they deserve some type of thanks during the holidays.  I mean, getting a tupperware set is better than getting her nothing--not much better, but it is better.  Trust me when I say all mothers say they want nothing for Christmas or that we don't know what we want because in all the things we do in a day, thinking about what we would like to receive for a gift is one of the last things on our minds.  Find a nice surprise!  Talk to her friends.  Chances are they probably know what extras she would like.  If you can't think of anything, jewelry, wine, and chocolate are always safe options. So is a pedicure.

7.  A Positive Pregnancy Test
When this answer came up in my survey, it won the internet.  We all love our babies more than anything, and for those who are trying for a first or for more this would be the absolute best Christmas present in the world.  But, for those like me, I'd take the vacuum, thanks.  I love my babies, but two surprises later I am stretched very thin for someone who did not expect to have children before 30.  But, here I am kinda rockin' it as the most mediocre mommy out there!  If I were to receive a positive pregnancy test, the mediocre daddy would be receiving a vasectomy.

The bottom line is moms are going to appreciate just being thought of and that you put some thought into a present this Christmas.  It doesn't have to be extravagant or costly.  It doesn't even have to be wrapped; although even Amazon wrapping looks much better under the tree than a Walmart sack does.  Just show mom you love her this season!  Chin up though, if she doesn't like it you always have Valentine's Day to redeem yourself.