The No Sandwich

Contributed by: Colleen Rye, henceforth known as Slave to My Spawn

“No, I don’t want an apple, NO!” Lunchtime and my three-and-a-half year old decides that he is serving No Sandwiches. But wait, I’M the momma. I’M the boss. I decide what is for lunch! Before I had kids, I had this idea of how my kids were going to be. They will be kind, have lots of friends, and do at least 95% of the things I ask. Clearly, I was drunk when I had those thoughts.  My sweet (when he wants to be) little boy helped create a new taste sensation. As all parents know, “No” is the most important word at this age. “No potty No.” “No chicken No.” In fact, you can sandwich any suggested phrase between “No.”  In our house, we refer to this as a No Sandwich.

Now that he has found his voice and uses it. All. The. Time. Most answers are “No, I don’t want _____, NO!” The No Sandwich is bittersweet. Sometimes he will serve it and it’s funny. For example, “Peanut (that’s what I call him sometimes), would you like to eat popcorn for dinner?” Popcorn is of his favorite snacks, but I get “No, I don’t want ka-porn, NO!” Until I walk away from the pantry to sit down on the couch. Then he emphatically tells me he wants popcorn. Duh. I’m your momma. I know you want the damn ka-porn. Other times, it’s not funny and I want to rip my hair out. I am sure most parents can relate. Case in point, we had been in the house for a few days because of the weather. I was getting cabin fever and it was going to be beautiful outside. “Grab your shoes! We are going to the park to play outside!” He loves being outside and running around like a mad man. He’ll play in dirt, he’ll play on rocks, grass; he doesn’t care. But of course, you know the answer he gave me. “No, don’t wanna go outside, NO!”  This is when I lose it and start spouting off ridiculous punishments if he doesn’t find his shoes so we can get the eff out of the house. “I’m not going to read Sneetches at bedtime!” or “You will not watch cartoons if you don’t get your shoes!” In 4 days, I had had enough Daniel Tiger, Curious George, and PJ Masks. I wanted sunshine. I wanted wind. I wanted to get a coffee at Dunkin Donuts drive through and talk with other parents with children as crazy as mine. I JUST WANTED OUT OF THE DAMN HOUSE! He did finally get his shoes, after I told him that his friends were going to be there and that he could get a cheeseburger afterward. Yes, I resorted to bribery.

Internet professionals (HA!) tell me that he will be a leader. He will stand up for himself and won’t back down from challenges. He will change the world and how mankind thinks. He could be President of the United States or run a global corporation or BOTH! But right now, I want him to go to bed at 8pm, pick up his dinosaurs and Legos that are all over the floor, and finish his chicken at dinner. At times, I have had my fill of the No Sandwich and I want to ram it back down his throat. But then, he’ll look at me with those beautiful brown eyes and tell me he loves me.  And I’ll eat the No Sandwich, savor the taste with the memory of that moment, and know that these memories will taste better and better with each passing year.